Jack sat in his office, toying idly with his yo-yo, his feet propped on the corner of his desk. It was near the witching hour in Colorado and Jack was the SGC’s senior officer for the shift. Which meant he would soon be heading for the control room to take SG-5’s scheduled report from P4X-347. Jack told himself that this fact had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with his volunteering to take the late shift. Jack also told himself that only completely un-evolved assholes believed the lies they told themselves. Jack didn’t consider himself un-evolved (and preferred to avoid the asshole debate on general principles) so he didn’t believe himself for a minute. He had been clinging desperately to the miniscule hope that if he kept telling himself lies that at some point in time he just might begin to believe them. However, it had been nearly a year since he had ended his relationship with Daniel and he had yet to buy into any of the crap he’d said to justify breaking it off. Jack decided that not being an un-evolved asshole bit the big one.
Jack’s little go-round with Daniel on the oh-so-happy occasion of Daniel’s birthday had slapped him upside the head with a few fundamental truths. Chief among them that he was not nearly as over Daniel as he had thought. Jack gave a disgusted shake of his head, wondering what had possessed him to buy any kind of birthday gift for Daniel. Jack had honestly thought the breakfast was kind of a joke. A lot of people, admittedly most often Fraiser and himself, razzed Daniel about his irregular eating habits. Sending him breakfast was intended as a gentle ribbing, the sort of thing two friends who knew each other well could laugh about. Upon seeing Daniel’s face that day, Jack had known instantly that his plan had gone awry. Worse, there was no excuse for what he’d done. He knew Daniel still had strong feelings for him. There was no way in hell that Daniel would’ve seen that particular gift as a joke. Not as a humorous one anyway.
“O’Neill.”
“Teal’c. What can I do you for?” Jack said, dropping his feet and swinging his chair around to face Teal’c.
“I would like a word with you.”
“Sure. Pull up a chair.”Teal’c took Jack at his word and pulled a chair over so that he sat facing Jack across his desk.“What’s on your mind, big guy?”
“You,” Teal’c answered succinctly. Jack gave him a puzzled frown. “I have noticed that you seem ‘down’ recently.”
“Down?”
“In poor spirits. Blue. Morose.”
“Morose?” Jack questioned incredulously. Teal’c merely stared at him. “I was born morose. Don’t worry about it.” Jack waved his hand dismissively. “I’m fine, Teal’c.”
“You dissemble,” Teal’c accused mildly. Jack couldn’t find it in himself to convincingly deny the allegation.
“No offense but it’s private, Teal’c,” he said. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Very well,” Teal’c answered with a slight bow of his head. “Know that I am available if you should wish to speak of your problem.”
“Thanks, appreciate that,” Jack responded with genuine gratitude.
“May I speak to you of that which troubles me?” Teal’c asked.
“Yeah, sure,” Jack said, surprised. “Bend my ear.” Jack grinned at Teal’c’s puzzled expression and hastened to explain before Teal’c took him at his word. “It means talk to me.”
“Daniel Jackson seems unhappy lately,” Teal’c said. “This concerns me greatly.” Jack took a long, studying look at Teal’c. The Jaffa was so bluntly honest about most things that it was sometimes difficult to tell when he had ulterior motives. Jack knew that Daniel and Teal’c had become good friends, but he also had absolute faith that Daniel would not betray his trust by telling Teal’c about their relationship. So the question was…was Teal’c being his usual straightforward self? Or was he trying to trick Jack into revealing something Teal’c already suspected?
“Are you implying that Daniel’s morose, too?” Jack asked cautiously.
“That indeed seems to be the case of late.”
“Especially since his birthday?” Jack grumbled guiltily.
“Daniel Jackson has been on P4X-347 since his birthday,” Teal’c pointed out.Jack grimaced and mentally kicked himself for the slip.
“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Jack said bluntly.
“I understand. However, I was speaking of Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c said blandly.
“Now who’s dissembling?”
“Are you saying that your problem and Daniel Jackson’s problem are, in fact, the same?”
“No. Yes. Sort of,” Jack growled, wondering if he was as transparent to everyone else as he apparently was to Teal’c.
“I see.”
“I doubt that,” Jack said with frustration. He wondered, not for the first time, if it would be such a bad thing to confide in Teal’c. Teal’c would certainly help him cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter. It might even be worth risking Teal’c’s disapproval. Jack grimaced as, with a sudden clarity, he realized how difficult the emotional isolation of the past year must have been for Daniel. Jack, after all, had a lifetime of experience in keeping his homosexuality a secret. Well, a twenty plus year career’s worth of experience anyway. Daniel, on the other hand, wasn’t used to hiding. He had little experience in denying who he was.
“Teal’c, would you do me a favor?” Jack asked earnestly.
“You know that I will assist you in any way I am able,” Teal’c said solemnly.
“Talk to Daniel.” Teal’c’s eyebrows drew together in puzzlement. Jack rushed the words before he could lose his nerve. “Talk to him. Make him talk to you.”
“I have already attempted to do so,” Teal’c responded.
“Try again,” Jack said. “Tell him…tell him it’s okay. I don’t mind.” Jack kept his own face impassive as he studied Teal’c’s face, wishing he could read the Jaffa’s expressions as well as he pretended he could.
~~**~~
“Sergeant,” Jack said as he took a seat in the control room. Sgt. Davis acknowledged him with a nod. The SGC was always staffed but even here, deep inside a mountain, life moved to a certain circadian rhythm. The number of on-duty personnel was at a minimum at this time of night and Jack was grateful for that. He was very aware at this particular moment, thanks to Teal’c, that he wasn’t doing the best job of keeping his feelings hidden lately. “Time?”
“2340 hours, sir,” Davis replied automatically. “Five minutes until SG-5 is scheduled to report.” Jack nodded and leaned back in his chair. In five minutes it would be early morning on 347. The team, plus Daniel, would be preparing to get to work. Jack sighed. One of his many reasons for breaking things off with Daniel was that he didn’t want to risk the team, didn’t want to see it torn apart by either external or internal forces if their relationship was discovered. As usual, Jack’s plan had worked like a charm. Daniel was spending more missions than not with other teams, Carter, without Daniel’s moderating influence, had gone into techno-babble overdrive, and Teal’c…well, Teal’c had been reduced to coming to Jack’s office and asking him to talk.
“Incoming wormhole,” Davis announced as the stargate began to spin.
“Don’t you ever get tired of stating the obvious?” Jack asked sarcastically. Davis gave him a glance that was just shy of insubordinate before continuing with his job. Jack shrugged and flipped open the 347 mission folder.
“SG-5 IDC confirmed. MALP link established,” Davis reported.
“SGC, this is SG-5. Please respond.”
“Major Williams, this is Colonel O’Neill. Reading you loud and clear,” Jack said, glancing at the monitor.
“Good morning, Colonel,” Williams said cheerfully.
“Night,” Jack corrected him sourly.
“Right. Sorry about that, sir.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jack said with a good natured grumble. “Anything to report?”
“Truthfully…no. We’ve searched the goa’uld Hilton here and didn’t find so much as a single hotel towel to swipe.” Jack’s eyebrows went up. Williams wasn’t known for cracking jokes, or lightheartedness in general, but the man was acting downright chipper. “We’re proceeding to sweep the surrounding area but, again, nothing of interest.”
“Nothing?” Jack asked. “No gadgets? Thingamajigs? Doohickeys?”
“Whoever lived here packed everything up and took it with them,” Williams confirmed.
“Well, take the quiet ones when you can get them,” Jack advised philosophically.
“I’m not complaining, sir. Kind of enjoying this to tell the truth.” Jack’s eyebrows rose again. He didn’t know Williams real well but well enough to know that Williams was a lot like himself in that he was a man who preferred action. Neither of them was dumb enough to want trouble kind of action, but they both felt a little at loose ends without something to do. William’s unusual laissez-faire attitude was creating a vague sense of unease in Jack.
“Major, you’re not eating any indigenous food? Or smoking the local weed?”
“Colonel?”
“Nothing,” Jack said, shaking his head. “What about Dr. Jackson?”
“Ah,” Williams chuckled. “Dr. Jackson is very enthused about…something,” Williams said, turning to look behind him. Jack caught a glimpse of Daniel several feet behind Williams. “He’ll bring you up to speed when he gets earth side.”
“Daniel’s coming back?” Jack said, perking up at the news.
“Apparently he has some stuff he wants Teal’c to help him with.”
“Send him through,” Jack ordered, nodding to Davis. The iris slid open as Williams signed off. Jack watched the watery light of the event horizon as he tried to stomp down his knee-jerk anticipatory reaction to seeing Daniel again. Christ, he thought, I’m pathetic. A year and he still got that butterfly feeling in his stomach whenever Daniel crossed his path. “This is not good,” he muttered to himself.
“Sir?” Jack waved Davis off and headed for the gate room. Daniel hit the ramp just as Jack walked in the door. Jack slowed his step, uncertain as to how he should play this little reunion.
“Hey, Jack,” Daniel greeted him easily. “What are you doing here so early?”
“Late,” Jack said pointedly.
“Late. Right. Whatever,” Daniel said distractedly. “Is Teal’c around?”
“Teal’c’s pretty much always around,” Jack reminded him. “Probably kel no reeming right now.”
“Right. Damn. Okay, well, I can leave the video here for him to work on,” Daniel said as he walked out of the gate room a step ahead of Jack.
“Not staying then, I take it,” Jack said, hoping he sounded only casually interested.
“No, no. Just need to get a couple of references from my office and….” Daniel gave Jack a rueful grin. “I’m due for my allergy shots.”
“Fraiser’s not on duty,” Jack offered. Daniel’s grin widened and Jack smiled automatically in response.
“Perfect,” Daniel said. “Not…not that I…you know.”
“She does tend to ram those needles in there,” Jack commiserated .Daniel’s conspiratorial smile made Jack’s heart twist in his chest. This is the way things should be between them. The way it had been…before. The way Jack said he wanted it again…and his own body betrayed the lie. The easy give and take was harder to attain and when they did it was no longer enough. For perhaps the first time he wondered if Daniel was right. What if they couldn’t get it back?
“You should see this place, Jack. It’s incredible.” Jack watched Daniel’s hands flying and eyes flashing as he raved about the deserted goa’uld palace. Watched, and remembered the times when he’d been the object of that irrepressible Jackson enthusiasm. He cemented a smile on his face and followed Daniel to his office.
“Jack? Did you hear a word I said?” Daniel’s question startled Jack out of his brooding reverie.
“You bet,” Jack insisted. “It’s neat-o cool.” Daniel stared hard for a minute then gave an exasperated sigh. But he was smiling as he did and Jack relaxed slightly. “I’m happy you found a nice bunch of chicken scratches to drool over.”
“You’re just happy you don’t have to be there,” Daniel retorted mildly.
“I never said that,” Jack rejoined. “Thought it,” he admitted. “Didn’t say it.”
“You really should see it. Lt. Barber will be back in a few days. You could come back with him.”
“I can’t begin to tell you how not appealing that idea is,” Jack said dryly.
“Sam will come,” Daniel said excitedly.
“Even Carter has more of a life than that.”
“Sam’s a scientist. She’ll come.” Jack wasn’t entirely sure what being an astrophysicist had to do with the price of tea on 347 but decided it was probably one of those scientist things which meant he didn’t even want to know.
“Care to make a small wager?” Jack goaded. Daniel gave Jack a surprised look. “Fifty bucks says she won’t.”
“You’re on,” Daniel said eagerly. “Where’s Sam? Is she here?”
“It’s the middle of the night,” Jack growled in disbelief.
“What’s your point?”
“Right,” Jack said slapping himself on the forehead. “Try the lab.” He watched with exasperation as Daniel grabbed the phone and dialed Carter’s lab.
~~**~~
Jack was once again walking down the corridor toward Daniel’s office. A call from Davis telling him that Daniel, who was scheduled to gate back to 347 in ten minutes, hadn’t been seen yet was not a surprise to Jack. It was, in fact, quintessential Daniel. Always so caught up in where he was that he sometimes forgot where he was going. Still, Jack thought that there might be something to be said for living in the moment. God knew the past was not a pleasant place for either of them to dwell. And the future, well, given their line of work, and their track record, the future was a place neither of them might ever see.
Daniel had apparently decided to put the birthday blow-up behind him. Let bygones be bygones as it were. Daniel was in manic professor mode, excited and happy in his work, and his manner with Jack had certainly been warm and easy. And didn’t that just figure? Daniel was finding a way to move on at the same time Jack was finally recognizing his own ability for self deceit. Jack was admitting to himself that he still not only wanted Daniel but quite possibly even needed him. But then, wanting and/or needing Daniel had never been the issue despite what he’d told Daniel. Jack had turned his back on his own feelings because it was what he believed he had to do. He had told Daniel he didn’t love him. Not enough.
Daniel had been hurt. And angry, too. But he’d never turned away from Jack. Cut adrift without reason or warning, he’d continued to be, well, Daniel. More reserved, perhaps, and a little wary. Jack, on the other hand, with plenty of warning and knowing all the reasons, had turned into a bitter, hurtful prick. They’d gone along calling it good enough until Daniel’s birthday, at which point Jack had faced up to the truth that he was in as much pain as Daniel. Which might have been a good thing except that Daniel was now acting like everything was hunky dory. Jack gave a derisive snort. Who was up to their neck in self deception now? Unless…what if that had been it? The final chapter? What if Daniel had finally reached the point where he had closed the door on Jack as lover?
Jack scowled suddenly, startling a passing airman. What if, what if, what if. Jack knew better than to play that game. There was no profit in wondering what might have been or even what might be. Jack had asked Daniel to move on and, apparently, he was. Careful what you wish for, Jack thought ruefully. He kept marching down the corridor. Bottom line—Daniel was prepared, despite everything, to continue being his friend and Jack was just going to have to suck it up and deal. He rounded a corner to see Teal’c and Daniel headed in his direction.
“Hey, guys. Where….”Jack’s words trailed off as he got a good look at Daniel’s face. It was not the face of a happy man.
“How dare you?” Daniel ground out through clenched teeth when he got close to Jack. “Where the hell do you get off?” Stunned at the unexpected anger, Jack looked at Teal’c. And instantly knew what this was about.
“Teal’c, some days you’ve got a lousy sense of timing,” Jack grumbled.
“Don’t blame Teal’c,” Daniel snapped. “Of all the arrogant, conceited….”
“Hey!” Jack barked. He lowered his voice although the corridor was currently deserted. “I was trying to help.I thought if you had someone to talk to….”
“Help?” Daniel said with disbelief. “It didn’t occur to you that it was my decision to tell Teal’c?” Daniel made a sharp, chopping motion, cutting Teal’c off before he could speak. The Jaffa shut his mouth and even took a step back. A plan of action Jack thought extremely prudent and was seriously considering taking himself.
“I didn’t actually tell him anything,” Jack started to protest. He understood why Daniel was upset. It was the vehemence of his reaction that surprised Jack.
“It doesn’t matter,” Daniel hissed. “I don’t need your so called help. I wish you’d….”
“What?” Jack shot back. “Fuck off and die? Not going to happen. So sorry to disappoint you.”
“Just stay the hell out of my life!”
“Happy to!” Jack knew he shouldn’t be doing this. He knew he was only escalating the tension. “I’ll stay way the hell out of your life. In fact, what if I go find a solar flare, dial up a wormhole, go back in time and make it so it never happened?”
“What never happened?” Daniel asked warily. Jack had honestly been referring to his conversation with Teal’c but as often happened when his conflicted emotions and a pissy Daniel came into contact he said the most hurtful thing he could.
“What if I undo everything?” Jack growled. “Would that make you happy, Doctor?”
“Every…as in everything?” Daniel stammered.
“Everything,” Jack agreed viciously.
“No,” Daniel said, shocked. “No. I don’t…I never regretted….” He suddenly looked overwhelmed, dazed even, and Jack felt that annoyingly familiar ‘I’m a shit’ feeling. He didn’t regret anything either, not one minute, but he just couldn’t seem to fight past his own anger and confusion to say the words. Daniel wheeled away from him and hurried down the hall.
“That did not go well,” Teal’c observed, speaking for the first time.
“Ya think?” Jack replied harshly, setting off after Daniel. Jack caught up with him inside the gate room. The stargate had already started the dialing sequence and Daniel stood stiffly at the bottom of the ramp. Jack walked directly up to him.
“Daniel. Damn it, Daniel, look at me.” Daniel turned and stared at Jack, anger in his eyes, banked but still glowing. Speaking under his breath Jack continued. “Jesus, you piss me off sometimes. Look, what if we just call a truce for now and talk when you get back?” Daniel just continued to stare as the gate burst into life. “We’ll…we’ll sort this all out, okay?”
“Jack,” Daniel said icily. Jack nodded to let Daniel know that he was listening. “You find a solar flare, you take it.” Jack stood, stunned, as Daniel walked through the gate and vanished from sight.
“Nope,” Jack said numbly. “That didn’t go well at all.”
The End
TBC in ‘If Only’