Sometimes the idea of writing in a journal strikes me as just downright silly. Then something like what happened on P38-Y23 comes along and a journal becomes a great way to preserve the memory. And believe me - I really want to preserve this memory. All of it. So here goes:
From the Live Journal of Brigadier General Jack O'Neill - August 22, 2004
I don't get out much anymore. Chained to a desk, dontcha' know. How the hell did Hammond handle it? ::exaggerated sigh:: Okay, this is officially fun. ::snort:: Wait. Did I mark this as public or private? Oh, cool. Private. ::whew:: How do I insert icons again? Well, never mind. I'll just stick with a picture when I post. I scanned that doozy of a Daniel-photo into my picture file - yeah, I'll use that one. Who wouldn't want a picture of The Great Daniel Jackson wearing Carter's spaghetti on his head because he happened to mention something about pregnancy, hormones and wormholes in conjunction with Carter's upcoming nuptials. ::snerk::
But back to the reason for this particular entry: Amazons (Or really big women with ... spears)
Yep, we managed to find ourselves on a planet inhabited by Amazon women. That's my term, not Daniel's. I figure when I'm surrounded by a bunch of women, all standing a minimum of an inch taller than Teal'c, wearing skimpy versions of a loincloth bikini and pointing very sharp spears at us, we're talking Amazons. We're talking Wonder Woman times fifteen. Now Ishta and her band of Jaffa Amazons weren't overly fond of anything with a penis, but these women were looking at me and Teal'c as if we were the greatest things since ... whatever.
NOTE: Daniel was wearing his sunglasses and boonie and was actually standing a bit behind Sam so they didn't get a clear view of him right off, but even if they had, my ego was saying that even these ladies (I use the term very loosely) would have come up with their version of the words "a skinny, pale, geek with glasses" and ignored him in favor of the hunkier me and Teal'c. (Fantasyland - my favorite place on Earth)
SECOND NOTE: Okay, so skinny doesn't really work anymore - but still...
Carter, sensing that as a woman, she might be better "equipped" to be our spokesperson, stepped up to the challenge. She took off her sunglasses and said, "We're peaceful explorers from a place called Earth. I'm Colonel Samantha Carter and this-"
I really didn't think the "peaceful explorer" crap went over as well with Carter spouting it, what with her holding her P-90 like a beloved child and all. Somehow Daniel always made it sound more... you know... peaceful. Anyway, one particularly tall woman gasped, pointed at Carter's eyes before pointing at her own and stepped forward to say, "Mina."
Carter glanced at me and clever man that I am, I mouthed, "Blue eyes." She caught on quick at that point and put her hand on her chest as she said, "Sam." She then pointed to me and said, "General."
Footnote: I'm a nice guy so I refuse to make you go to the bottom of the page for a footnote, so: At this point, I was checking out the other women (get your mind out of the gutter - I was checking their eyes) and Mina was the only one with baby blues. All the others had either brown or hazel eyes. Mina was clearly the leader and she'd just decided that blue-eyed Carter was ours.
2Footnote: Still a nice guy here. Generals don't usually go through the 'Gate, but for this mission, a supposed milk run, I made an exception. (plus this whole "chained to a desk" thing was making me antsy)
"Mina" nodded and pointed to Teal'c. Carter put her hand on his chest and said, "Teal'c. ::witty aside: She always was a quick one, our Carter::
Mina nodded again and kind of moved a bit, obviously angling for a better view of Daniel. Unfortunately for him, he chose that moment to step out and speak up. He pushed his hat off his head and it flopped against his back, the string around his neck keeping it from falling to the ground. He unclipped his sunglasses and said, "I'm Daniel."
Hell, the way those women acted at that point, you'd have thought Daniel had just said there was a close-out sale at Mervyns and everything was eighty percent off but he was free. They started pointing and chattering excitedly and Mina got this gleam in her blue eyes that made me distinctly uncomfortable. I had the feeling we'd just missed something very important.
Daniel was frowning in that endearing way of his; you know, the frown where his eyebrows bobble and his eyes slide sideways? Yeah, that one. I could tell by the way he was studying the women that he was reviewing the last couple of minutes (he always looks like a baby taking a dump when he's trying to puzzle out what we might have done wrong with a first contact) and by the way his eyes suddenly widened, he didn't like what he'd just come up with. Which meant I wouldn't like it either.
"Uh, Sam? I think you just declared Jack and Teal'c as yours. But ... you know, not me. And see, I have blue eyes too and I don't know if you noticed or not, but other than Mina, who is clearly the leader, and also has blue eyes, the others have brown or hazel eyes and this could mean that I'm in very big trouble."
You gotta give the guy credit - when he's right, he's right.
The women started to move forward then and did I mention how big they were? I did? Good. Because in seconds, we were swamped. They were moving us backward while Daniel was cleverly separated. It was the nicest bit of herding and culling that I'd seen in ages. We had breasts, hips, shoulders, elbows and determined faces in our -- faces. Carter, Teal'c and I were back-to-back and so closely surrounded that we didn't have enough room to raise our weapons. Daniel was several feet away and we could hear him talking to the women in his usual brainy fashion.
"Uhm, ladies? Uhm, really, you shouldn't... I mean, we don't just touch... EEEP... HEY! Where I come from, people ASK before they touch that! Uhm... wait a minute, what are you doing... that's a knife - uhm, you ALL have knives...."
At that point, I gotta tell ya, I was one nervous General. My blood was boiling over at the intimate places those women were evidently touching and my finger was just itching to pull the trigger on my P-90, but I was trapped and it was killing me.
I did mark this private - right? Right.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, intimate spots on Daniel's body and Amazon women with knives. Anyway, we can hear this awful sound but none of us could see a thing. Carter kept trying to reassure us that they would never hurt Daniel and having seen the look in their eyes, I'd agree, but damn it, there were all kinds of ways to hurt a person, you know?
Right about the time I was ready to make a break for it, Daniel started talking again.
"Okay, okay, this is really - this is not what I'd call being good hosts. I... hey, that's my jacket you're tearing apart there... and my... oh, come on, couldn't you just say 'strip'? I could make this so much easier on all of us... oh,wait, you like it this way, don't you? Oh, sure, strip the helpless guy with a knife. New game and I'm it."
I'd have laughed, except his voice had an edge to it that really got my dander up, you know? Daniel's a pretty cool guy, handles most dangerous situations with humor, but those women... well, let's face it... he was in a situation that could really become ... abusive. That's the only word I could come up with then, and it's the only word I can come up with now because I refuse to type the other word. The right word.
Teal'c was looking a bit green at the gills and his fingers were squeezing his staff weapon in a fine imitation of wringing someone's neck. Carter had gone pale as the reality of our strange situation hit her, but finally managed to say, "Sir, what can I do? What did I do wrong?"
Naturally I reassured her in typical O'Neill fashion.
"I don't have a clue but whatever it is, FIX IT NOW!"
Yep, cool, calm and collected, that was me.
What happened next seemed surreal, even now. The women who had surrounded us moved us in such a way that we were suddenly side-by-side and against a wall. The woman who'd identified herself as Mina broke away from the group around Daniel and walked languidly over to our position. She stared at Carter for what seemed like an eternity and finally said, "Sulja?"
Carter, without breaking eye contact with Mina, said, "Daniel, what did she say?"
He didn't answer her immediately and if it hadn't been for the spear against my throat, I might have done something stupid. But he did, finally, say something.
"Uhm... what?"
Yep, that's my brilliant linguist.
At this point, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. "Daniel, are you all right?"
"Well, Jack... that kind of depends on your definition of all right."
I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at that point as I said rather dryly, "Are you in one piece, for instance?"
"Me? Oh, sure. NO problems there. My clothes on the other hand, are in several pieces and I'm currently buck naked and not in the mood to play twenty questions."
Pissy archaeologist, isn't he?
"As long as no blood is involved, I could care less the condition of your BDU's, Daniel."
"Who said no blood was involved, Jack?"
Okay, now he had me worried. And he evidently had Teal'c worried too because he immediately got into the game.
"O'Neill, we must do something."
"Ya think?"
Yep, my comeback lines are legendary.
"Sir, if you'd let me find out what the leader said?"
"Right, Carter, right. So, Daniel, do you know what 'soul food' means?"
Carter gave a rather inelegant snort at that and quickly corrected me.
"Sir, she said, 'sul-ja'."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, Daniel, do you know what that means?"
We couldn't see him, but I'm betting that all three of us could picture his expression.
"Uhm... it sounds familiar... HEY!!"
I gotta tell ya, Daniel hit a high note never before heard with that "HEY!" and I panicked. And shoved. Hard.
Teal'c followed suit and somehow managed to get his staff weapon up so it was pointing straight in the air. He fired and the women fell back, stunned. The leader immediately barked out a command just as I managed to break through, P-90 ready.
The sight that greeted me is one I'll never forget - but then that's why I'm putting it in this live journal thingy. I'm getting old, you know? Memory isn't what it was once was.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Daniel.
He was, indeed, buck naked. His face was scrunched up, eyes tightly shut and the reason was extremely apparent; one of the amazons had her fingers wrapped around his balls and she was squeezing none to delicately.
Okay, that had to hurt.
Being the consummate professional that I am, I yelled... er... said, "GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BALLS!"
No, I don't know why I said that. Except - well, suddenly it seemed as though that woman had her hand on my property, you know? (Yeah, yeah, so I'll jot some time down for a psyche eval later, okay?)
Anyway, Daniel pried one eye open and ground out, "Someone's ... grabbing ... your balls ... too?"
My answer was brilliant.
"Daniel, are you all right?"
His response was classic.
"Ouch?"
I'd had it at that point. I raised my P-90 and fired. The sound was enough so that the woman holding my... er, Daniel's... balls, let go and jumped back about five feet or so. The other women did the same and I had a clear path to Daniel. I beat it.
He was doubled over now that she'd released him, face flushed, sweating and panting. "Daniel? You okay?"
Even in pain - and trust me, he was in excruciating pain - been there, felt that - he managed to talk.
"Go to hell, Jack."
Clever bastard, isn't he?
I did the gentlemanly thing; I took off my jacket and draped it over his shoulders. And held on.
That's when the Amazon leader said it again. (I really need to stop calling them that because Daniel said they were something called "Ipui". Me, I say "Phooey")
"Sulja?"
And Daniel? Well, good old Daniel did the craziest thing - he reached out and grabbed MY balls!
"OUCH!"
Hell yeah.
Mina nodded sagely, snapped her fingers, and the women lowered their spears and bowed their heads. Then they moved behind their leader, who said, "Sulja" again and with head held high, offered Carter one of the many necklaces she wore so proudly. She bowed her head once and walked off, her soldiers following.
Carter's expression as she held the necklace and tried not to stare at a naked Daniel was priceless. I only wish I'd had my digital.
Eventually I decided it was time to be a general again while Daniel, who was slowly recovering, dove into his pack and withdrew another pair of boxers, t-shirt and pants. Using a large tree as cover, he dressed as quickly as sore balls would allow.
I cleverly decided that a planet of warrior women was one planet we could skip. I ordered us back to the 'Gate, muy pronto, thank you very much.
Once back on Terra Firma, with Daniel hustled off to the men and women in white, I went to my office to try and look busy but that didn't last long. I soon found myself drawn to the Infirmary. Daniel was sitting on the edge of a bed looking quiet and composed but his pale face was, to my way of thinking, a dead give-a-way. He had his shirt off and for the first time, this clever general noticed all the cuts. Evidently those damn Amazons hadn't been very careful while removing his clothes with their damn knives. The nurse was making little clucking noises, the kind a woman makes over a hurt child, while she painted some of the cuts with an antibiotic and bandaged still others.
"You're lucky, Doctor Jackson. No stitches required."
Naturally I had to add my two cents.
"Lucky? He was surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women--"
I didn't get much farther as Daniel favored me with a truly withering look (I know because my balls just pulled themselves up into my body and my dick shrunk another couple of inches - inches I couldn't spare) and said quite clearly, "Shut the fuck up, Jack."
I know when to listen to others. I shut the fuck up.
Of course, the real challenge to the mission was putting it on paper. How do you explain the fact that:
A) A bunch of women got the drop on you and your flagship teamOh, yeah, and how do you make "A" sound ... politically correct?
Somehow, I managed.
I finished my report in time to rescue my VIA&L from the Infirmary, and with promises to keep him quiet, make him sleep and provide frequent checks of the bandages, I got him upstairs and out of the mountain.
And that's when things got real interesting.
On the way down the mountain, Daniel said, "Sulja."
The way he said it was enough to get me to pull the Avalanche over and turn off the engine. He was staring straight ahead when he asked me, "Do you know why they stopped, Jack?"
Obviously I didn't, and I told him so.
"Mina thought I was Sam's sulja. Her mate. But when Sam didn't respond or get possessive, she thought maybe not, but still, before she'd allow ... anything further, she had to ask again. Then you went ballistic and started yelling about your balls, and shooting off your weapon, and Mina decided that while you and Teal'c were Sam's - you know -- I was your mate, which is why I grabbed your balls, to show her that we were, indeed, suljas. That's why she let us go."
Even now I can see his profile. He was holding himself rather stiffly, as if what came next would be of vital importance to him.
And me? Well, instead of feeling clueless, I knew exactly what he was really saying and I'm rather proud of my response.
"My mate, eh? Sweet. Does this mean I get to kiss your balls and make 'em better?"
He punched me in the arm.
Ouch.
But I did get to kiss his balls and make 'em better. Oh, not there in the car, but later, in my bedroom. He's sound asleep right now, just behind me. Daniel. In my bed. Sound asleep. And I'm the one on the computer.
Time's - they are a'changing.
Finis