Hammond took a deep breath and let his gaze slowly take in his premiere team. He shouldn't have asked them to work on Christmas. He knew that. He'd known that before he'd asked them to work on Christmas but he'd done it anyway. He wondered if he were entirely as sane as he liked to believe.
"All right, let's get this over with," Hammond said. "Medical report, Dr. Fraiser?"
"Aside from a little sunburn they don't appear to have suffered any ill effects from the mission," Janet said.
"And the chafing," Jack said. "Don't forget the chafing I told you about."
"Chafing?" Hammond said before he could remind himself not to ask.
"I think it was the sand, sir," Jack said.
"The sand?"
"I think. It was very...sandy."
"Uh huh. Aside from the sand, what did you find on the planet?" Hammond asked, opening the floor to whichever member of SG-1 was brave enough to take up the challenge.
"PXS-1225 was most pleasant," Teal'c said.
"Can't beat a tropical island...er, planet for Christmas," Jack said, rubbing his hands together gleefully.
"Yeah, but we've got to do something about those camouflage bikinis," Sam said.
"Why? I thought it looked...." Jack paused. He couldn't actually remember seeing Carter in a camouflage bikini.
"Sir, you walked right over me and didn't even notice I was there."
"Are you sure that was the bikini's fault?" Daniel asked. Sam glared at him. "I'm just saying."
"Anyway, the natives were quite friendly for a change, General," Jack said. "Very friendly. Very...warm."
"They kept trying to take my clothes," Daniel said, sounding puzzled.
"I can see that," Hammond said, and he could. A little more plainly than he would've liked because Daniel was sitting at the briefing table bare-chested, his sarong hidden below the table.
"I guess they'd never seen khaki before," Daniel mused.
"Yeah, that's it," Jack snorted.
"They invited us to participate in their native religious rituals," Teal'c said.
"And that explains...this?" Hammond asked, waving at all four of them.
"Apparently their native religious rituals involve little clothing and much alcohol."
"I thought you didn't drink, Teal'c?" Hammond pointed out.
"I do not."
Hammond just shook his head. He knew better than to ask Teal'c about the sarong. Or the antlers. At this point, drugs seemed the only viable option. He just wasn't sure if he should give the drugs to SG-1 or keep them for himself.
"Were you able to get in a little Christmas celebration for yourselves?" Hammond continued.
"Not really, sir, but Daniel did make some lovely ornaments." Jack reached under his clothing and pulled out two coconuts painted with Santa faces. Hammond breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been wondering just how and when Jack had developed breasts. But again, this was something he just wasn't going to ask about.
"Great knockers, Colonel," Fraiser said.
"Thanks," Jack said, beaming. "Scratchy as hell though."
"They were just for personal use, General," Daniel said. "I didn't feel we should contaminate the native belief system with our religious practices."
"Not to mention that if we contaminate the native belief system with Christianity, government regulations now require that we also contaminate the native belief system with Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca and curling," Sam pointed out.
"Hey, curling has never been anything but a force for good in the universe," Jack said.
"I'd agree with the 'never been anything' part of that statement," Hammond said. "But what I'd like to know is whether PXS has anything of value to offer?"
"Aside from endless white sand beaches, turquoise lagoons, sunny days and balmy nights.... No, sir, nothing at all."
"And beautiful natives," Sam said quickly. "Beautiful naked natives."
"They weren't naked," Daniel said.
"They were by the end of the native religious ritual," Teal'c said.
"Really?" Daniel frowned. "How did I miss that?"
"Too busy peeking up the Colonel's skirt," Sam said dryly.
"Yes, about that, Colonel," Hammond said reluctantly. "I know I'm going to regret this but.... I can understand the rest of it: the sarongs, the coconuts.... But Colonel, why are you wearing a nun's habit?"
"Well, Daniel mentioned something about missionary position and I was just trying to get into the spirit." Jack smiled. "You know me, sir, always willing to go that extra measure."
"But the wimple really is a bit much," Sam said.
"What I find disturbing is the fact that he had a wimple available," Daniel said.
"Although black does become O'Neill," Teal'c said.
"It's because I'm a winter," Jack explained.
"Anyway," Daniel said, interrupting a discussion of Jack's beauty secrets. "What I was attempting to discuss was the Church's position, their arrogance in proselytizing to the so-called heathens and the cultural impact that policy has historically had."
"Huh. So...no sex?" Jack asked Daniel.
"Not until you lose the dress."
"Why didn't you just say so," Jack said, quickly shucking off his clothes.
"Most impressive, O'Neill," Teal'c said appreciatively.
"Wow," Daniel said, eyes fixed on Jack's groin. "Is that a zat in your shorts or are you just happy to have kicked the habit?"
"Ah...no, actually," Jack said, rooting around in his government issue boxers. "It's another one of those damn coconuts."
"Thank God," Fraiser muttered. "I had already scheduled you for a hernia repair."
"Surgery?" Jack said incredulously.
"On the plus side, I think we've discovered the source of your chafing problem," Janet said brightly.
"You know--I was wondering where that one had gone to," Daniel said, eyeing the coconut Jack produced. Hammond noticed that it had been decorated with a painting of reindeer frolicking. Definitely frolicking, he decided, and not...something else.
"Ew, Daniel--you don't know where that's been," Sam said as Daniel took the coconut from Jack.
"Actually, I do know where it's been."
"And it's not like it's someplace Daniel hasn't been before," Jack added.
"Dismissed," Hammond said abruptly.
"Sir?"
"Just...go."
Taken by surprise, Dr. Fraiser and SG-1 just stared silently at the general for a moment.
"Yes, sir," Janet said, regaining her voice. "We'll just...go."
"Going now," Daniel agreed as he, Sam and Teal'c also rose from their seats.
"You might want to have someone check that vein. That one right there that's throbbing," Jack said, pointing at Hammond's temple. Daniel grabbed Jack by the back of his shorts and dragged him to the door. "What? I'm just saying that can't be a good sign."
Hammond waited calmly as SG-1 cleared the room. He reminded himself that he had survived war, alien incursions, and political intrigue; he could damn well survive SG-1.
Once he had regained his composure, Hammond called for Sergeant Davis, waiting in his usual place just outside the door.
"Any comments?" Hammond asked when Davis had joined him.
"Just that you might want to consider opening up PXS as vacation spot."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"It'd be a nice change for some of the personnel. Put a little zip in their holiday plans."
"Zip?"
"A little zing. A little zest. A little...."
"I'll take it under advisement," Hammond said dryly. "In the meantime, I assume you'll take care of the tape as usual?"
"Yes, sir," Davis said. "Um...actually, sir, there's a bit of a problem."
"Beyond the obvious?" Hammond asked.
"Someone accidentally left the MALP camera running."
"So...?"
"So there's a fairly comprehensive record of SG-1's visit to PXS."
"Comprehensive?"
"Let's just say Dr. Jackson knows his way around a habit," Davis said. "However...Major Carter is strangely absent from the recording."
"I see," Hammond said with a sigh. "But you can destroy that, too, can't you?"
"The problem is that the MALP downloads directly to the SGC mainframe," Davis explained.
"Can't the file be erased?"
"Yes, sir, it's just that by the time we realized what had happened, a number of people had already seen the video feed." Davis cleared his throat. "Someone, who shall remain nameless but carries a big wrench, had already made a screen saver from the more 'interesting' images and emailed it to a number of SGC personnel."
"Well, do your best," Hammond said. "Given what happened the last time, I doubt very much the Pentagon will be sending anyone to check up on us anytime soon."
"Yes, sir...although I heard Major Davis is expected to make a full recovery. Eventually."
"Just take care of it," Hammond said, making it clear that Major Davis' unfortunate 'accident' was not open to discussion.
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, and Sergeant," Hammond called back from the door. "Tell Sergeant...Wrench that I can't protect him if SG-1 learns the identity of the culprit."
"Understood, sir."
Davis had just removed the tape when Siler appeared at his elbow.
"So?" Siler asked.
"Hammond said you're on your own if SG-1 figures it out," Davis said, handing Siler the tape.
"No problem. I've got someone who will not only pay good money for the files, he'll also provide round the clock protection."
"Really? Who?" Davis asked.
"Colonel Maybourne."
"Colonel 'Rat bastard lying no good sonovabitch' Maybourne?" Davis asked.
"Yep."
"Are you sure that's wise?"
"Only if you've already got a few tapes of Maybourne already stashed away as insurance," Siler said with an evil smile.
The end...Bah humbug ;-P