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Jonas was sorry to hear
that Dr. Daniel Jackson had died. It was all so unnecessary too. It was a real
shame that no one had told him that Colonans have a natural immunity to
radiation. Oh sure, extremely high levels of radiation give them a very nasty
rash for a few days, but that's it. It was a shame too, that Jonas didn't
appreciate the devastating effect it has on the human body. If he had, he would
have leapt boldly into the lab. and sorted out the problem himself, and damn
the rash!
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But it's an ill wind as
the Tau'ri say. Jonas realized that he now had the perfect opportunity to
fulfil his destiny as Intergalactic Superhero. He took a gift of the naquadria
that the sexy chick, Sam Carter, was so hot for and strode boldly through the
Stargate.
And that thing about the 'theft'... It
was a loan, for heaven's sake! And I did know I could trust the people of
Earth. Reading minds is only one of my many abilities - I mean, one of his many
abilities. Jonas's...
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Unfortunately, the Tau'ri did not immediately
appreciate their immense good fortune in acquiring the services of such a
heroic and talented person as
JO-O-O-NAS QUINN!!!
No. Sadly, the universe's newest
Superhero was kept kicking his heels around S.G.C. for three months! Three
whole months!
I begged and pleaded with General Hammond
to let me join S.G. -1, but the man just wouldn't recognize a Good Thing if it
leapt up and bit him on the nose. And I was sorely tempted... Instead, he tried
out one no-hoper after another, while I - while Jonas - mastered the contents
of every book on the base and ordered lots more over the Internet.
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Colonel O'Neill, who for
some strange reason seemed impervious to the Quinn charm, was also resistant to
the idea of including Jonas in his precious team. This caused him a lot of
suffering, (which served him jolly well right!) He even tried out that foreign
fellow from the U.S.S. Enterprise - not Sulu, the Russian one, Chekov.
Absolutely useless! O'Neill was well pissed off.
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Jonas kept confronting
General Hammond and all the members of S.G. -1, leaping up and down, waving his
arms and crying, "Me, me, me! Please pick me! You know you need me!"
Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Jonas realized he would have to charm his
team-members-in-waiting one by one. Teal'c showed signs of weakening. The big
Jaffa - a fellow alien - said Jonas might have a chance if he could knock him
down at boxing. No sooner said than done. Jonas had read 'Humorous Applications
of Mechanics' only half an hour ago. He set out build the ideal gadget for the
job from a large coiled spring borrowed from Sergeant Siler, a spare lump of
naquadah from Sam's lab and a few other bits and pieces. (Those repeats of
'MacGyver' are very useful and informative. The guy looks very familiar
somehow, but I can't place the face.)
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His plan worked like a
dream. Teal'c was out cold for 24 hours. Dr. Fraiser says his skull looks like
a boiled egg that's been hit by a spoon, and that he won't be fit for active
duty for several months to come. This is not a problem. I am perfectly capable
of replacing both him and Dr. Jackson. But still they wouldn't accept Jonas.
Why? He's smart, he's a hunk, he's a supernaturally quick study, he's charming,
got a fabulous smile
 and he's a hunk. Did I mention he's a hunk?
A real hunk?
Next up was Super Sam. I was quite surprised to find
that she's saved the world several times over, and without smearing her
make-up. (I think she must have had it tattooed on.)
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Anyway, she was having problems with her
naquadriah design. How on earth did she get into S.G. -1? All Jonas had to do
was flip through a couple of post-graduate maths and physics books and he soon
put her right. And did she show her gratitude by flinging her arms around my
neck and kissing me like any self-respecting groupie would? Don't hold your
breath! She did privately insist that I take her place as S.G. -1's scientist,
though.
By now, it had to be obvious to anyone
with more than two brain cells to rub together that Jonas was the
Quinn-tessential member of S.G. -1. General Hammond was beginning to waver but
Colonel O'Neill was still adamant. Jonas decided that, for the sake of the
planet, O'Neill had to go. There was a test flight of the new X-302 due
shortly. Jonas managed to have a quiet word with his friend, Senator Kinsey,
who had a word with the N.I.D. They supplied Jonas with the relevant gizmo from
another downed death glider, and Colonel O'Neill was off on his way out of the
solar system again.
(Hey, so it's been done before. Since
when did the scriptwriters ever bother with originality? - J.Q.)
This left Jonas, as the only viable
candidate to take on Earth's current attacker, Anubis. General Hammond finally
had to agree. He made me Commanding Officer of S.G. -1, and asked me to pick my
own team - er - that would be Jonas's team... Jonas bravely dispensed with any
support. He would go it alone so that no more members of S.G.C. would need to
die, because Jonas Quinn is the One in S.G.-1!
Besides, he did have one mate with him...
Before tackling the new invincible baddie, Jonas borrowed a couple more springs
from Sergeant Siler, and spent two minutes 13 seconds reading 'Inspector
Gadget'.
Next he requisitioned an old teltac, 100
pounds of pure raw titanium, 200 feet of fibre optic cable, 7 x 100,000 watt
industrial strength capacitors and a toaster. (He'd read the mission report
relating to P4X-636.)
"Prepare to meet your doom!"
declared Anubis.
(See what I mean about originality? How
can you be afraid of that? Of course there is the possibility of his gaining a
tempo while you corpse with laughter! - J.Q.)
Jonas knew no fear. He'd read Nirrti's
'Phase-Shifting for Dummies', and Lewis Carroll's 'Alice in Wonderland'. He'd
also been watching a programme about the wartime exploits of the stage
magician, Jasper Maskellyn and Freddie Mercury's video of 'I Was Born To Love
You'. He was ready to kick ass.
He leapt into his modified teltac and
took off to meet Anubis's mother ship which was in geostationary orbit above
the Earth.
"Prepare to meet your doom!"
declared Anubis again.
Jonas began to think he had the threat on
a tape loop.
"Nah, you come over here, you big
one-eyed trouser snake!" Jonas taunted. (He'd read the 'Penguin Slang
Thesaurus'.)
Anubis, angered beyond all reason, ringed
down into Jonas's teltac. And found himself in a room lined with mirrors. Jonas
smiled. The reflections from his teeth bounced around the mirrors, dazzling the
System Lord. Then Jonas switched on his phase-shifting device. His body
disappeared, leaving only his smile behind...
Suddenly, he switched off the smile.
Anubis was still reeling from the countless brilliant smiles as Jonas stole
behind the System Lord - but not in the thieving sense, oh no! He grabbed his
Mate and ripped open the wrapper. Quickly, he pulled black Guinness-flavoured
condom over Anubis's head and down to his feet - those things really do
stretch, you know! - simultaneously silencing and confining the glistening
black shape of the enemy.
Next he dialled up P3X-
451 on his home-made Stargate and launched Anubis into the Black Hole. It
seemed appropriate somehow...
Finally, Jonas ringed himself back to
Earth and a Superhero's welcome. Unfortunately, in the time that it had taken
to walk from the little Stargate to the ring transporter, Einstein's General
Theory of Relativity had kicked in and 25,000 years had passed on Earth... All
that remained was a barren, dusty planet, a Stargate and a D.H.D.
"Oh well, when a Superhero's gotta
do what a Superhero's gotta do," he said, dialling a random address.
Boldy he stepped through the Stargate to
begin his next Great Adventure...
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Fizz... Ting!
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Jonas Quinn
