Category - humor (warped): Rated G.
Disclaimer: Nothing to do with the characters
appearing in Seasons 1 thru 3.
New Order - Part 1
Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill announces his plans for the running of the S.G.C. amidst much Cosmic Giddiness (TM). Daniel laughs so much he cracks a rib and is taken to the infirmary. There he sees the new busty, collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, and has a seizure.
Sam, the new C.O. of S.G.-1, goes to her C.O., Brigadier-General O'Neill, and tells him how upset she is about Daniel and how he might not make it through the night. This requires much hugging to make her feel better. Brigadier-General O'Neill tells her that Daniel will be all right as Teal'c will probably be sitting by Daniel's bedside even as they speak, and orders that lunch à deux be sent to his office.
While they are eating, there is an alien incursion in the 'Gate Room. This shocks Sam so much that she swallows a crumb the wrong way and chokes. Brigadier-General O'Neill gives her a hug by way of resuscitation. As she's still out for the count, Brigadier-General O'Neill leaps into action. He grabs a weapon from the nearest S.F. and wipes out every single one of the critters without taking any harm at all.
He returns looking extremely pleased with himself, only to find Sam still laid out where he left her. He thinks she's dead and berates himself for putting the defense of the planet ahead of her safety. As he looks at her, brokenhearted, her eyelids flutter open. Wide-eyed, she looks at him in concern. Delighted at her recovery, he hugs her blissfully.
New Order - Part 2
Sam sobs to Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill about how worried she is over Daniel, and that she doesn't think Teal'c is watching him properly. She's been told that he'd even nodded off for a couple of minutes at Daniel's bedside. Brigadier-General O'Neill hugs and comforts her.
There is another alien incursion in the 'Gate Room, but Sam is just too distraught to deal with it right now, so Brigadier-General O'Neill leaps into action, grabbing a weapon from the nearest S.F. and wiping out every single one of the critters without taking any harm except for a slight wound just above his eyebrow. The new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, is summoned and sticks a small band-aid on it. Sam, now recovered, looks daggers at her.
Concerned that Brigadier-General O'Neill had been injured in the last incursion, Sam goes to her lab. and makes him a big honkin', naquadah-powered space gun out of Mecanno® for him to keep on his desk. She runs the final test which results in a Big Bang.
Brigadier-General O'Neill comes running and finds her unconscious with a small, but bleeding, cut just above her eyebrow. He summons the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, to stick a small band-aid on it, and merrily quips that they now have his 'n' hers band-aids.
In the meantime, while the doctor is away from the infirmary, and while Teal'c is taking a natural break, Daniel makes an amazing recovery just before the closing credits.
Colonel Dimitri Karpov goes to Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill and demands to be put in charge of S.G.-1. Jack tells him to 'quit carping, Karpov', looking very pleased with his witticism. Colonel Karpov protests that he outranks Sam, and anyway, she's just a gurrl. Brigadier-General O'Neill switches off the recording equipment and snarls, "She may be 'just a gurrl' to you, buster, but she's my gurrl and don't you forget it!"
Sam comes in to hear the end of this. She thinks he's referring to the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, and flees in tears. While Brigadier-General O'Neill goes to comfort her, Colonel Karpov collapses with a mystery illness and the S.G.C. is put under quarantine.
While Brigadier-General O'Neill is comforting Sam, an injured Daniel staggers out from the wormhole and collapses, bleeding all over the ramp. The new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, is summoned. She swathes him in bandages.
In the infirmary, both Colonel Karpov and a mummy-like form share the hallucination that the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra, is actually Doctor Janet Fraiser. Daniel, the mummy-like form who is near death, mumbles his love for her. The hallucination passes. Realizing what he's just said - and to whom - he has a seizure.
Meanwhile, Sam declares it's an alien entity, not a virus that's afflicting the two men and flips the bird at the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra. In her lab., she rigs up a system from bits of Meccano ® then takes it to the infirmary. After lots of flashing lights and a Bigger Bang, the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra declares in amazement that the two are now cured. Brigadier-General O'Neill gives Sam a congratulatory hug.
Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill is comforting his 2IC who's falling apart with nerves at the thought of entertaining the President on a state visit. She's close to tears, so he gives her a hug. When President Hayes arrives, the S.G.C. is brightly decorated with miles of red, white and blue striped ribbons, hundreds of little flags and life-sized inflatables of the President and Homer Simpson to either side of the Big Round Thing. In the Control Room, the President gags slightly at the sight. Sam, midway through attempting a curtsey in her B.D.U.s, is hit by a panic attack and flees.
When she recovers herself enough to return, Brigadier-General O'Neill gives her a comforting hug. He takes pity on her and sends her off through The Big Round Thing with S.G.-1 to do a little naquadah hunting on an uninhabited, goa'uld-free world. He hopes it will steady her nerves, which are further shredded when the President himself comes down to the 'Gate Room to see them leave. Teal'c has already left and Daniel, arriving late as usual, runs in and scuttles up the ramp and through The Big Round Thing moments before the wormhole closes.
Returning up the spiral stairs, President Hayes stumbles and knocks himself out, occasioning a slight cut just above his eyebrow. The new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra rushes in and slaps a band-aid on it. He comes round, eyes in line with her bosom, blinks several times and has a seizure. The President's bodyguards leap into action and frogmarch her off to the brig.
As the President is gurneyed off to the infirmary, there is an unscheduled 'Gate activation. Sam hurtles through screaming that Jaffa have captured her team. They belong to a new goa'uld calling himself the 'Great and Mighty Oz'. He looks alarmingly like Homer Simpson. Brigadier-General O'Neill faints. He hits his head and is concussed. There are no band-aids.
Brigadier-General O'Neill regains consciousness as there is another unscheduled 'Gate activation. A big guy with a gold tattoo, closely followed by another guy in glasses and a boonie hat, come charging through seconds after the iris opens yelling, "They're coming, they're coming!" They carry on running out of the 'Gate Room. Sam follows them.
Before the iris can be closed, a dumpy, yellow-faced being comes through. He demands to be worshipped as their God. Brigadier-General O'Neill is beyond confused. He doesn't know whether to shoot him or embrace him, besides which, he can see four of them. Before he can decide, an indeterminate number of Jaffa follow their God, all wearing tall hairy blue helmets.
At this point, Sam returns with the special big honkin' space gun and gives it to her C.O. Running on automatic and adrenaline, he opens fire. The immense KA-BOOM blackens the entire room and bends The Big Round Thing out of shape. Brigadier-General O'Neill collapses sobbing, "I've killed Homey, I've killed Homey!" and has to be comforted by Sam. Sergeant Siler calls for a bigger spanner.
Later, as the President, wearing a ceremonial stars 'n' stripes band-aid, departs, Brigadier-General O'Neill tells him it's just been another ordinary day at the S.G.C.
This is the Token Doctor Jackson Episode. If you're a Daniel fan, YOU WILL LIKE THIS EPISODE (but not a lot.)
Sam is talking to Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill on the 'phone and admiring her beautifully manicured scarlet fingernails. Brigadier-General O'Neill is telling her about a brand new goa'uld,cosmic-giddily named Origami¹that's just surfaced in Japan, (played by guest star, Lucy Lawless - okay, so it's April 1st. <g>)
Sam says she will send Daniel because she learnt from the Internet that at night he's a Secret Ninja, hence the coffee addiction during the day. He will liaise with fellow anthropologist and Samurai master, Doctor Yojimbo (an homage to the late and legendary film director, Akira Kurasawa), played by guest star John Cleese. (It's still April 1st, folks).
Sam then reports that Teal'c is visiting his family in the Land of Light and hangs up.
Daniel, sexily dressed in black complete with black bandana, black face mask and dark glasses and with a katana strapped to his back, arrives on a secret airstrip at Ikibana. The surrounding forest looks strangely familiar...
There he is met by Doctor Yojimbo who fails to recognize him and mistakes him for an evil warlord named Washizu (played by guest star Julian McMahon - well, a girl can dream!) Doctor Yojimbo gives a spectacular display of karate moves intended to intimidate The Man in Black who is silent and unmoved.
Both then draw their katanas and stand poised on the runway as many hours elapse, shown by the rapid passage of the sun across the sky behind them. Then with no apparent movement, Doctor Yojimbo falls to the ground dead in an homage to the duel in Kurasawa's 'The Seven Samurai'. Daniel then restores his katana to its sheath.
Meanwhile, back in the S.G.C., Sam is pouring her heart out to Brigadier-General O'Neill because she and Pete have had a major row. He's found out that Colorado Springs does have a zoo, and accused her of lying for some ulterior purpose. He wouldn't believe that a high-ranking member of top secret military team could possibly be so unobservant as to drive past it several times a week for the last seven years and never have noticed it was there! She bursts into floods of tears and has to be hugged and comforted by her C.O.
Back in Ikibana, Daniel has been arrested and thrown into jail for the murder of Doctor Yojimbo. A tall dark woman wearing a mac over a black basque arrives at the jail and asks if the guard knows what it feels like to be electrocuted. He doesn't, so she pulls out a familiar alien weapon and zats him.
She reveals herself to Daniel as Amaterasu, a Secret Tok'ra. She needs his help in defeating the evil goa'uld System Lord, Washizu, who plans to overthrow Emperor Akihito in an homage to Kurasawa's 'Throne of Blood'. Daniel remembers that in Japanese mythology, the first Emperor, Jimmu, was a descendant of hers so this is personal. She has another personal request for Daniel, but that will have to wait, for now...
In the S.G.C., Sam is pacing up and down the Control Room worrying because Daniel is ten minutes late in making his sit. rep. Should she send in back-up or wait a while. Finally, she comes to a decision. She marches to Brigadier-General O'Neill's office and asks him what she should do. He gives her a comforting hug and says she should give Daniel a little more time.
In Ikibana, Daniel and Amaterasu have broken into Washizu's secret lair which is disguised as a pyramidal volcano. Inside, it looks much like all other goa'uld strongholds. They spend several minutes fruitlessly Running Up and Down Corridors. The clunking sound of Jaffa boots is heard, so they dive into a handy closet.
There, Amaterasu reveals that she is a Tok'ra queen. Since Egeria died, the Pangarans need a new supply of symbiotes to produce tretonin. She is willing to do this but needs some of Daniel's D.N.A. Her knowledge of the human mating ritual indicates that it begins like this... She wraps the hapless Daniel in a crushing embrace and kisses him passionately. (That's the romantic bit.)
In the S.G.C., a frantic Sam has decided to go and rescue Daniel herself, taking with her the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra as her back-up. Brigadier-General O'Neill comments that this is not Standard Operating Procedure, but Sam reminds him of Doctor Fletcher - Franklin - Francis, whatever, and points out that C.M.O.s are very easy to replace. To spare himself more of Sam prattling on, he yells for Thor, and Sam and the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra disappear in a flash of light.
Back in Washizu's stronghold, Daniel and Amaterasu have tracked down the evil goa'uld System Lord. While she zats the Jaffa who come running into his throne room one at a time, Daniel is involved in a duel to the death. The wire-work is spectacular. For the benefit of 'Danny Whumpers', he's bleeding profusely from many wounds, including one above his right eyebrow.
Sam and the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra beam down as Daniel strikes the killing blow. He then collapses and Amaterasu runs over to him. Sam gets the wrong end of the stick and fills her full of lead. As Washizu is still twitching slightly, she shoots him too.
Meanwhile the new busty collagen-lipped C.M.O. who looks alarmingly similar to Anise of the Tok'ra is sticking a small band-aid above Daniel's eyebrow. He regains consciousness, sees his ministering angel and has a seizure. She swathes him in bandages. One lone Jaffa comes running in as she finishes. A staff weapon blast gets her in the back before Sam notices and shoots him. Thor obligingly beams them back to infirmary at the S.G.C.
There, Brigadier-General O'Neill congratulates her on a job well done. As they leave the infirmary where the medics tend to a mummy-like form, he asks her if she is injured. She replies that she's fine except that she's broken one of her beautifully manicured scarlet fingernails. Brigadier-General O'Neill then takes her hand in his and kisses it better. The scene segues into a dream sequence in which Sam is wearing That Sweet Little Tank Top Number. He kisses his way up her naked arm and the episode concludes with a passionate lip-lock.
Look, it's got A Plot. What more do you want?
¹Actually, she's the much loved Shinto sun-goddess, Amaterasu which will no doubt be mispronounced even without the influence of Cosmic Giddiness .