...errors in judgment...
~
Daniel climbed into his Jeep and headed down the mountain before Jack could catch up to him, talk to him, ask him more questions. Daniel knew he couldn't avoid talking to Jack for long, but that dream was still too vivid, the guilt at what he'd done still strong. He couldn't, wouldn't talk about it. Not now. Daniel wasn't sure that he would ever tell Jack everything.
He snorted derisively as he wound down the mountain road. He knew Jack would get it out of him so who was he kidding? Jack would have to know. Partly out of his need to know and partly because he knew Daniel was troubled by that damned dream. And then there were those stupid words about finding a new path. Daniel knew that Jack would wonder if that new path would be without him.
Right now, Daniel didn't know. He didn't like who he'd been in that dream. At all. And the fact that it could have been all him scared him. A part of that person in the dream had been him...and part had definitely not. Between the two, and somewhere along the line, he'd gone from doing the right thing to becoming a power-hungry madman. How? Daniel knew that absolute power corrupted and knew that everyone had the capacity to become evil. But that dream had held more than that.
For instance, why was he talking to Teal'c one minute and in the next, angry at him, suddenly seeing Teal'c bowing before him as his First Prime - and the Shol'vah?
That hadn't been him, Daniel told himself. That had been the effect of the Goa'uld memories. Apophis' memories.
Daniel sighed heavily as he made his way through the drive-through restaurant, picking up the dinner he only half-felt like eating. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he had to eat something.
As he turned down the road that led to the loft, images from the dream, out of order and jumbled, kept coming back to haunt him. Or maybe to taunt him. They had all seemed so real - still felt real - everyone in his dream, right down to their reactions, some of which he'd never have guessed at.
Like Jack. Jack had been there, believing in him, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he'd pushed Jack away. He'd cut himself off from the one man who'd truly loved him...whom he'd truly loved. Why would he do that?
Because the Goa'uld memories and feelings had taken over. He was no longer Daniel Jackson. He had become someone else. It wasn't just the dark side of his nature. Daniel knew he had that, just as everyone did. But what infected his mind had nothing to do with his dark side. It took away his capacity for normal love and affection and twisted it to suit his self-absorbed goals.
He'd become a sociopath. No sense of guilt was allowed to hover over the surface. No sense of understanding as to why Jack would betray him and bring a gun to the launch. All Daniel remembered feeling was confusion, and the tiniest amount of doubt that had managed to creep into his conscious mind, he had stomped on.
And why had he done that? Because somewhere in the back of his mind, like a host mind screaming to be heard, had been his real self, whispering, telling him not to do what he was doing. But his conscious mind had ignored the old Daniel Jackson. He'd buried his true self.
And that was the second lesson. He had to find a new path. Not just be aware of how dangerous the Goa'uld memories were, but Shifu had had the audacity - the presumption - to tell Daniel he wasn't on the right path.
Okay, Daniel already knew that he was becoming a soldier against his will. But he'd allowed it. Why? Because of the work, because of the mission of the gate, because...it fascinated him and his thirst for knowledge.
Which ultimately led him to ignore his morals and ethics. He'd allowed his teammates and the General to sway him into talking to Shifu - into trying to convince a little boy that just accessing a few memories would be okay.
How could he?
Daniel slammed the door of his apartment and leaned against it. How could he?
That was part of the deep anger he felt for himself. He was constantly compromising his ethics for the sake of the damned SGC, wasn't he? If he wanted to keep working there, he'd have to set himself a new list of priorities. He was no longer an archaeologist, or a linguist, or an anthropologist. And if he was no longer any of those things, what was he? A soldier? An explorer? What kind of an explorer then? Had he allowed himself to become like those explorers of the past that he despised for their clear lack of morality and ethics? No...he didn't think so. Not yet. And he couldn't allow that to happen, either. If finding himself a new purpose, a new goal in his life put him at odds with everyone he worked with and respected...then...so be it.
The thoughts chased across his mind, switching from anger to sadness as he made himself some coffee to go with his dinner. Some dinner, he thought morosely as he moved out to the balcony to eat. The sun was just setting, though the heat from the day made things pleasant enough without the cool mountain breezes giving him a chill. He sat down, opened the bag, began to eat, and analyzed his situation.
So, what had he discovered so far?
Well, a) he wasn't on his true path, and he had to find his way back to it, come hell or high water; and b) he was greatly disturbed by the images of the powerful dream he couldn't seem to let go.
There were certain pieces of the dream that made no sense. Pieces of the dream had been the memories. The other pieces of the dream...they had actually been him, were him. The two had become confused at certain points; the lines had blurred. Like Jack getting on his nerves and Daniel picturing himself throwing Jack across the room with the ribbon device. A minor angry daydream blown way out of proportion. Sometimes Daniel wanted to toss Jack across a room, but with a ribbon device? No. The memories infected his real self, twisting and distorting what was real. Which made it all the harder to separate everything. What part was Goa'uld memory and what part was actually himself with a power complex?
One thing was certain. Until he could understand the messages from the dream, and until he could come to terms with how lost he'd become in his purpose at the SGC...he didn't think he could go back to serving on SG-1. Not on a frontline unit. Not as someone's glorified version of an alien dictionary with a gun.
Daniel knew that Jack would be pissed. Especially when he requested reassignment to a team that did research. Daniel thought about it for a few minutes, trying to remember what team would be available. SG-11 was remanned and already on a dig some-damn-where. That left SG-5.
Daniel sighed. SG-5 had just discovered some Goa'uld structure on P-what-ever-the-fuck-it-was. Why Goa'uld? Why not Asgard or Ancient or even Furling? Why did it have to be Goa'uld? Because it was his luck, that's why. Those bastards seemed to be in his way everywhere he looked.
It didn't matter. Jack would be mad. Very mad. He wouldn't understand and he'd feel...hell, Daniel didn't know how Jack would feel anymore. One moment he could read Jack like a book and the next moment, Jack was a complete contradiction. Daniel knew he'd be pissed though, no matter how he tried to explain to his team leader, friend, and lover, just why he had to be with SG-5 for a while.
A snippet of the dream abruptly came to him - the memory of killing Apophis with a hand device, as if he, Daniel Jackson, had become a Goa'uld. But he hadn't really killed him...had he? That part of the dream was like the daydreams of pain-sticking Sam or throwing Jack across the room. They were fuzzy round the edges, not real. Like dreams within a dream.
Daniel's stomach tightened at those 'daydream'-like memories. All of them had reflected his emotions, especially anger and hate, the thirst for vengeance...no...revenge. How could he have done that to Sam? To Jack? To Teal'c? One moment he'd been thinking of 'protecting' the Earth, and the next...
There had been Apophis...dragged before him, begging for his life. Daniel remembered feeling smug satisfaction as he'd looked down at the beaten Goa'uld, watching with amused pleasure as the snake writhed before him. Daniel remembered actually liking the fact that he'd made Apophis scream - that he'd caused the man to die a painful death by his own hand. His ribboned hand.
Daniel shivered violently and dropped his dinner in his lap. It hadn't been him, and it wasn't, dammit! It wasn't!
And just who the fuck was he anymore? That sociopath from the dream or some mindless automaton driven to do the SGC's bidding without hindrance or consequence? And where did love fit in with all of this? Where did friendship?
Where was Jack's place? The man who'd been forced to try and kill him in his dream? Jack had never lost his place in the grand scheme of things. Not in the dream, not in reality. Neither had Sam nor Teal'c.
Daniel didn't have any idea where he fit in anymore. If he ever had at all. Anywhere. All because of those damned theories of his. Because of those...
He felt the tears well up in his eyes and sniffed them back, wiping angrily as the ever-present self-hatred bloomed inside him like a mushroom cloud.
Some fifteen minutes later, Daniel went back inside, tossing away his leftover meal and feeling much worse, if that was at all possible.
He picked up the remote from the couch and aimed it...but didn't press the 'on' button. He suddenly wasn't sure if he really wanted to watch any TV. He threw the remote down on the couch with disgust, angry that he couldn't seem to find an easy fucking decision anywhere. Passing his hand over his eyes and taking an deep breath, he picked up the remote again and turned on the TV, deciding that one decision had to be made without analysing it to fucking death.
He turned to Discovery, but the program didn't interest him. Turning to other channels, he stopped at a drama series he'd heard about but hadn't had the chance to see yet. He lay down across the couch and found himself drawn into the world of Crime Scene Investigation. When the commercial came on, he blinked, realizing that he'd finally had his attention taken away from the dream. Funny how something so grisly yet fascinating could divert his mind for a while.
Jack looked down at his watch before he knocked. 10:27 p.m. He hoped that he'd given Daniel enough space, enough time, but he simply couldn't stay away anymore, not without saying something to him. Even if all Daniel would reply with was fuck off and die...although Jack hoped he wouldn't actually say that.
He rapped three times, then waited. He didn't hear anyone moving around, but he waited...okay, twenty seconds was long enough. He rapped three times again...harder.
On the couch, Daniel was startled awake by the knocking. He lifted his mashed face off the couch pillow and pushed himself to stand. He rubbed his face as he opened the door.
Blinking the sleep away, he asked, "Jack?"
"No, I'm really Thor in disguise."
Daniel wiped the inside corner of one eye as he turned away and moved back to the couch. "You've gained a few pounds, Thor."
Jack's right cheek creased in that lop-sided smile as he stepped inside and closed the door.
"Mind if I stay a while?" he asked, trying to figure out what kind of mood Daniel was in. The real one, anyway. A just wakened Daniel wasn't always a good indicator. Unless one was in bed.
Daniel sat down and rested his head against the back of the couch. "Sure," he answered.
Jack stared at the back of his head as he hung up his jacket. That one word told him Daniel wasn't in a good mood. Jack didn't blame him. Whenever someone fucked with his mind, he wasn't in too great a mood, either. But Jack hoped to remedy that, at least for a while. He sat down next to Daniel and got a better look at his face - and the pinkish tint around Daniel's eyes. Jack's heart tugged at him. The pinkish tint told him that Daniel's mood had been bad enough to make him nearly cry. Nearly. Jack knew that if Daniel had cried, his eyes would be also be bloodshot. They weren't. That was something, at least.
Damn that fucking kid, he thought. Jack hated being angry with any kid, but as far as he was concerned, Shifu was alien and no child. A child's body, yes, but no child. No child he ever knew would know enough to put Daniel through some sort of emotionally-damaging ride. Okay, so asking the kid about his memories wasn't a good idea, but the kid could have said no, then evaporated some goddamned place else. Did he have to mess with Daniel's head like that? Although Jack had no idea what he'd messed with, it was clear that whatever Daniel had dreamed about was bad. Dream. Dream my ass, Jack thought - and had been thinking for that past few hours. Why couldn't the kid have messed with his mind, or...
"If you want a beer, Jack, go ahead and grab one."
Jack blinked, realizing that he'd just zoned somewhere. "Um, thanks, but I'll wait." He pulled Daniel's right hand in his own. With his other hand, he gestured at Daniel's face. "I can already see you've been upset. Can you talk to me about it yet?"
"I...I'm sorry I ran off like that, Jack," Daniel offered as he closed his eyes. "I couldn't talk...not there. I don't know if I can."
Jack took a deep breath. "Then can you tell me what new path it is you think you need to find? I thought you had one, with m...with us, with the SGC?"
Daniel opened his eyes as he laughed sadly. Jack, in this one case, was so very predictable. "After we found Shifu, I didn't have a path, or a goal, not anymore. Other than hunting down the Goa'uld and protecting ourselves from them. I'm not a soldier, Jack. I'm not doing anything so important on SG-1 that I can't be replaced by someone else. I need a break."
Jack's mouth dropped open as his heart began to panic. "What? Why? What are you saying? And since when do you think you can be replaced?"
"You keep telling me that SG-1 is a frontline field unit, a combat team. That we'll never bed down for an archaeological dig or an anthropological study. I need a break to do my real work...and find out what I should be doing and--"
"Daniel, your work is with SG-1. I'm sorry that it's not enough, but you're invaluable as--"
"As what? I just said...I'm not a soldier, but I'm being turned into one against my better judgment."
They traded long looks for a few minutes.
"I know, Daniel. I'm sorry."
"I need to find out just what I want to be doing, Jack."
Jack ground his jaw, not liking the sound of those words. "Are you sure it isn't what that kid thinks you should be doing?"
Daniel sighed and nodded. "I'm sure. I already thought of that, believe me. I know you're getting mad at me and--"
"Whoa, whoa, Daniel, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed, but I'm not mad. Not yet, anyway. I just don't get why you want to leave the team. Can you tell me? Is it anything I--"
"No, Jack, it's not. It never has been. It's just...me. You know how I am, right? How I'm always questioning the morality and ethics of every damned thing we do? How that just gets on your nerves?"
Jack looked away, not meeting Daniel's hard gaze. "I'm sorry that I've been hard on you about it."
Daniel shook his head again. "Don't be. It's just that I don't fit in. I'm always going against the grain here. I need to find my place."
"You have a place," Jack said tightly, feeling as if he'd been kicked. "I don't see how you don't see that."
"Jack, did I question the wisdom or morality or ethics in talking to Shifu, asking him to access his Goa'uld memories?"
"Yeah, you did--"
"Yeah, for a second, but I let you guys convince me to do it anyway, and part of me is mad as hell that you asked."
"I know. And again, I'm sorry as hell. I wish I hadn't allowed it."
Daniel sighed with frustration. "Jack, you did what you were supposed to, trying to protect us, all of us. The problem here is that I didn't. Everyone else is following their calling, their job, what they've been trained to do. But not me, Jack. Not me."
Jack continued to grind his jaw. He understood the need to find where one fit in. He had certainly needed to a few times, but this...he couldn't understand it, not completely. Even so, if it's what Daniel wanted...
After a few more silent minutes, Jack nodded. "Okay, what team?"
Daniel was about ready to argue again and Jack's question threw him off stride. "Uh...what?"
"What team?" Jack asked again, even though a huge part of him hated the words coming out of his mouth.
"Uh...just like that?"
"Daniel," Jack sighed, "you say you want to work your in field again, so if going to work with another team is helping you find whatever it is you need to find, then..." and he gestured at the air, at nothing in particular. He wanted to say more. He wanted to grab Daniel and tell him not to go, to stay, to find a solution with him, not without. He took a long look into Daniel's surprised face and found that Daniel really hadn't expected him to agree. But what the hell else could he do or say? He didn't want him to go, but he didn't want to tell him, "You're part of SG-1. If you don't like it, leave." He couldn't, wouldn't, say that. He didn't want him to leave for good. If Jack gave Daniel an ultimatum, Daniel would go. He knew Daniel well enough to know that you didn't back him into a corner. "So...what...team?"
Daniel looked at Jack in shock, his mouth working silently. "Um...SG-5 and 11 are the only teams I can think of that wouldn't mind me tagging along, but SG-11 doesn't really need help right now, as they're only on a small dig, and I don't think that--"
Jack narrowed his gaze at Daniel. "You'll never be considered 'tagging along', Daniel, by anyone."
"Jack, you thought of me that way once."
"Once, Daniel. Not after Abydos."
"And even then I didn't fit in, just like n--"
"No! Don't start with that 'I don't fit in' stuff again. You do fit in, you're just not seeing it. I wish we didn't come from opposite sides a lot of the time, which is probably what makes you think that, and I'm sorry for my part of it."
"Jack..."
"Why?"
"Why...what? Why we're opposites or why--"
"I still don't get why you think you have to leave. So...explain to me what's going on." Daniel started to open his mouth to argue, but Jack stalled him. "Daniel, I'll clear the temporary transfer to...SG-5...but I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me every damned thing that's bothering you and what that damned Shifu put into your head to screw with your mind."
"Jack, he didn't screw with--"
"The hell that bastard didn't."
"He's just a kid, Jack."
"No!" Jack said, finally angry. He held up his hand, his index finger pointing up in that gesture that Daniel had come to loathe. It was Jack digging in his heels. "Find me a human kid that is capable of pulling that kind of manipulation. I'll bet you anything he's not even human anymore. No matter what that being looks like, he's not really a kid anymore, Daniel."
Daniel grimaced, knowing Jack was right. "Okay, Jack. Fine. He's not a kid anymore."
"He said it at the beginning, Daniel. Ultimately, a man travels his chosen path alone. A man, Daniel. I don't care what planet you're from, no kid travels alone."
Daniel suddenly gave up a ghost of a smile as he saw the protector in Jack come out in those words.
"What?"
Daniel shook his head. "It's nothing."
"What?"
"It's just...no, it's silly, nevermind."
"Daniel, if I said 'okay' and left it alone, you'd tell me anyway, so just spit it out."
"I think you really wanted the kid to be a real kid and it spooked you when he obviously wasn't."
"Yeah, well, turning from a tornado into a human was sort of a give-away."
"I think Oma did that."
"Daniel..."
"I know, Jack. He's still not really human. But what I meant to say was that you have this paternal instinct with children and when you see one that looks like a child, you can't help but want to protect it...father it, if you will."
Jack rolled his eyes - in agreement. "I'd just as soon retrain that instinct to puppies only."
Daniel gently kicked at him. "Would not."
Jack turned slightly so he could face Daniel better, and laid the side of his face against the back of the couch. "So..."
Daniel mirrored his position. "So..."
Jack took a deep breath, but he didn't ask again. He simply waited. And waited. Daniel fidgeted in silence, got up and grabbed Jack a beer, returned to the same position on the couch, and fidgeted some more.
Just as he'd suspected, Daniel knew Jack would get the information out of him one way or the other.
"Okay...no interruptions until I'm through. I mean it, Jack, or I'll clam up."
Jack nodded.
With a few more deep breaths, Daniel began to tell him what happened in the dream, from waking up in the infirmary to blowing up Moscow. He told Jack every sordid, disgusting detail. He didn't think he would, but as he talked, the words flowed out of him like water from a snow melt. He found he couldn't look at Jack most of the time. They faced each other, sitting there on the couch, but Daniel's eyes were down, sometimes focusing on Jack's hands and the beer bottle they held, sometimes focusing on the maroon shirt he wore. When he did glance up to look into Jack's eyes, he found that knot furrowing between his brows. It especially deepened at the end, when Daniel told him what he'd forced Jack to do...even though it hadn't done any good.
"And at the end, you told me not to...but I did it anyway. It seems that even in a dream, I don't listen to you."
"Daniel..."
"Jack..."
Jack leaned forward. "You listen...when...you have to. And that dream wasn't real, Daniel."
"I know, Jack. But it felt like it. I dreamed an entire year in...what was it, six hours?"
"About."
"I woke up feeling disoriented. It took me a moment to realize that it had all been a dream." He went silent and Jack sensed he wasn't done so he didn't interrupt. When Daniel went on, his voice was whispering. "I'd never been so relieved to realize I'd been dreaming."
Jack reached up and stroked Daniel's face with his hand, his thumb brushing his cheek. "Shifu told all of us that he was teaching you. Now I know what."
Daniel nodded. "Teaching me a few things, but mostly, in a nutshell, that those memories aren't safe for anyone to remember, and we can't ask someone, especially not a kid, to remember."
"I get that, Daniel, but what I don't get is why Shau're acted so normal, or why Skaa'ra's okay. If those memories are so bad..."
"Because they only lived through the experiences the Goa'uld put them through. They couldn't access the Goa'uld's memory because they were cut off from it. Trapped inside their own mind."
Jack thought about it and finally nodded. "Okay, I can see that. I guess if the kid didn't have Oma's help, he'd be insane."
Daniel nodded slowly. "I can't help but feel for sorry for him. I hate what he did, but in a way, he also did me a favor."
"How?" Jack asked, his deep frown returning. "I wish you wouldn't think that you don't have a purpose, Daniel. I know our job is way, way out there," he told him, waving his hand upward, "but it is one you're suited for, whether you realize it or not." When Daniel frowned at him, Jack held up that finger again. "No, I don't mean that you're suited to be a soldier as opposed to a Doctor of Archaeology and Linguistics, but dammit, Daniel, there's more to life than either of those things. Especially with what we do. You know that."
With a deep sigh, Daniel nodded in agreement. "Yes, I know that. But I just need to step back, to take a break from all the fighting."
"With what we deal with, you sometimes don't have that luxury, Daniel."
"I know. Which is why I want to grab it while I can. Please, Jack. I really need you to try and understand."
Jack took his hand and grasped it firmly, locking thumbs. "I understand more than you realize. I know the need to find yourself, your place. I've had to do it twice. After Iraq and after Charlie. So I get that. I just don't get why you feel you have to do it alone, why you have to leave SG-1."
Daniel shrugged. "Quiet time?" he offered, not really sure.
Jack cupped Daniel's face again, studying him. He suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of abandonment. He needed Daniel to know that he loved him, that he was his friend and would be there...no matter what. He leaned over and kissed him, softly at first, then more firmly, opening his mouth and encouraging Daniel to open his. After one long and thorough exploration of each other's mouths, Daniel sat back and sighed.
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For not being mad at me."
Jack let out a slow breath. "You're welcome, I guess, but I'm..."
"Disappointed, I know."
"Yes. I can't help that."
"I know."
They studied each others' hands, each others' faces, as if drinking in memories and etching appearance in stone. Daniel felt the need to do more than look. He needed to feel, and to lose himself in Jack. If only for a while. He pushed himself off the couch and held out his hand. Jack took it and stood up.
"May as well make the most of this, as I'll likely be gone for a few weeks."
Jack sighed again as he followed Daniel into the bedroom. As his shirt came off, then his jeans, shoes, and socks, he kept wondering more and more why Daniel was leaving. The sense of abandonment strengthened and Jack felt like Daniel was leaving him. When it came right down to it, it felt as though Daniel was simply running away. And from what?
As Jack tossed his boxers onto his jeans, he watched Daniel crawl onto the bed to lie on his side. His lover then patted the bed, beckoning.
"Is there something else, Daniel? Something you're not telling me?" he asked as he moved onto the bed to lay next to his lover's warm, naked body.
"Like?" Daniel asked, not really thinking about Jack's question. In fact, all blood flow was currently being redirected away from his brain as his cock thickened, lengthened, darkening with lust; with the need to be touched and excited. He reached down and ran his fingers over the silvery hairs that peppered Jack's chest. He absently wondered why his fingers were shaking slightly, and quickly dismissed it as 'going away' jitters. Jack suddenly lifted Daniel's chin, making him look at him just when Daniel was wondering if Jack was going to touch him.
"Did anything bad happen between the two of us in that dream?"
Daniel blinked, then looked away. "I think having you try and kill me was bad enough, don't you?"
"It feels like you're leaving more than your place with SG-1, Daniel."
The words implied more as Daniel read between them. He blinked again but still didn't look into Jack's soul-searching eyes. "You think I'm leaving you?"
Jack tilted Daniel's head up, forcing him to look into his eyes. "I think there's something else you haven't said."
Daniel sighed hugely and dropped onto his back. He closed his eyes. He'd been succeeding in forgetting that part of the dream. It had been easy to skip over. It was after all, it was just a hiccup in the whole message of the dream. Wasn't it?
"Daniel, tell me."
Daniel opened his eyes and looked into the warm brown ones of his lover. They were searching his, trying to understand. Jack, for all his bravado and sarcasm, for all his hardened soul, was sometimes a lot more tender-loving than he was.
"Our roles were reversed in the dream, Jack. I became the boss. The tyrant. I demanded everything, and I rarely asked. I was kind only when it got me what I wanted. My goals, my motivations, at first, were pure. But I got off on the power and let it lead."
"I know that."
"I got off on the power."
Jack started to see where Daniel was going. He didn't want to, but he was hardly ignorant of the sexual power games people played. "So...we became...what?" he asked carefully.
Daniel closed his eyes and swallowed. "For a short time..." Though his eyes were closed, he turned his head away from Jack. "I wish you could just leave things be."
"I wish I could, too. But your leaving doesn't sit right. I think there's more to it than just finding your place in the SGC's grand scheme of things...or in the universal grand scheme. It's us, too, Daniel. Isn't it? Something happened and it's bothering you so much that...you're running away."
Daniel looked at him sharply, a frown creasing his brow. He didn't answer for the longest time and it made Jack guess what was going on.
"We broke up, right?"
"You could say that."
"Daniel, for cryin' out loud--"
"I used you as my whore, Jack."
Jack's mouth dropped open as he blinked several times, trying to process what Daniel meant by 'whore'.
Daniel could see his lover try to work that one out, too, but no matter how one tried to sugar-coat that word, it always came out badly.
"I snapped my fingers whenever I wanted you. I never went to you. I always made you come to me, no matter what you were doing. I made you drop everything just so I could get off. At first it was just a simple fuck you and leave you. That was bad enough for a while, but then..." He took a deep, silent breath. "I had others doing it for me, too. Sucking me, fucking me, all while making you watch, never touching me. I baited you, made you angry, depressed, sad. I purposely pushed you away, then pulled you back. And you came back, Jack. Do you know why?"
"Why?" Jack asked, though he knew. With a dreadful feeling, he knew.
"Because you loved me. Because you kept believing I'd change back to what I used to be. But I couldn't. I was gone. Sexually, I got you off in many pleasurable ways, but they soon twisted. I knew all kinds of kinks, Jack, because of those memories. Very twisted stuff. It wasn't just the watching. We used to do that for real, you know? Getting off on it," Daniel went on, his voice becoming emotionally charged. "But I had to go further, just as with everything in that fucking dream. I needed more. It went from me watching you get fucked by one guy to a dozen guys, all the while I'm jerking off. I went from domination and submission to downright sadism. I'd have you sent to me, and instead of normal sex, I would fuck someone else while I watched some person whip you across your back and ass with a lash..." His words trailed off, then in the barest whisper, and with mist forming in his eyes, he said, "I got off on pain, Jack. Your pain."
Jack saw the tears start and he pulled Daniel against him, holding on tight as he felt his lover drain away the needed release.
"You do know that that dream took your normal desires and twisted them," Jack whispered against Daniel's hand.
They were spooned now, with Daniel behind. "I know," Daniel whispered, wrinkling his nose as Jack's hair tickled it. He brushed it aside, then kissed the back of his neck. "It's just...I hate what I did."
Jack squeezed his arms over his chest. "That's the point. It wasn't you."
"But it was, Jack. It wasn't the Goa'uld memories. It was me."
Jack pushed back and looked at his lover. Daniel looked away. "Daniel, look at me." When Daniel finally looked up, Jack went on. "You don't like to hurt people, least of all me. Do you?"
"No, but..."
"No but's, Daniel. It wasn't you and you should know that."
Daniel sighed. "I know, I know, but it's the possibility that..."
"Daniel, I want you to prove it to yourself that you can't get off on pain. That you get off on pleasure, on pleasing me. You don't need to prove it to me, but you do need to prove it to yourself."
Daniel frowned at his vague request. "What do you mean?"
"I want you to fuck me. Right now. I want you to call up every desire you have and let it out. Hard, fast, all of it."
Daniel started to argue but Jack pulled him down for a long, deep, passionate kiss, filled with soft bites and hungry licks. Daniel felt his cock filling again, becoming stiff and hot. He wanted Jack so badly. Jack groaned into his mouth and lifted his top leg, placing Daniel's hand over his inner thigh. "Fuck me," he whispered against his lips. "Fuck me."
Daniel kissed him, his teeth grazing over his chin and down the side of his neck. He felt the blood rushing through his ears, the wild heat of lust running through his thighs, his cock, his balls, as Jack repeated his request through heated words. "Fuck me." Daniel's fingers moved downward, finding and caressing his lover's balls, then sliding upward to take his shaft in his hand, pumping once, twice, thrice. Long, slow strokes, each one tightening.
"Fuck me."
With a low, soft growl and not-so-soft bites over Jack's shoulder, Daniel felt for the lube under the pillow. Jack's body literally vibrated with need while Daniel coated himself, positioning his cock. He slid slowly inside Jack's responsive body, groaning as the tight heat surrounded him.
Jack closed his eyes and leaned forward, pulling Daniel with him until he lay on his stomach. Spreading his legs, he pushed up on his elbows, feeling Daniel adjust with him.
Reaching underneath, Daniel took Jack's cock in hand once more just as he began to thrust. Jack's breathing and frequent groans let him know when to speed up, when to slow down, and when he liked the angle Daniel rocked into. They moved, back and forth, undulating with a building, purposeful rhythm.
Jack loved the weight of Daniel's body and the feel of the sweaty skin over his back, his ass. When Daniel bit the muscle at the nape of his neck, Jack suddenly gripped the sheets and dropped his forehead down. "Time, Daniel," he said breathlessly. "Take my hands."
Daniel hovered over him, continuing to thrust as he laced his fingers through Jack's. His balls began to tighten and the heat slowly crawled upward. His thighs felt on fire as his thrusts quickened, roughened.
"That's it," Jack panted, the sweat now pouring down his back in tiny rivulets, Daniel's adding to it. The swinging motion of his balls as Daniel thrust and rocked into him had him nearly there. Shudders passed through him now, the caress of his gland pushing him toward the edge. "That's it. Hard, Daniel. Let...go."
"Jack," Daniel cried out softly as he slammed into his lover as hard as he could. Again and again and again. His last cry was loud, and he came, hard, pouring into Jack with all that he had. He moved his right hand down to massage his lover's cock, pulling firmly, squeezing the glans.
With a loud growl, Jack came thickly over his fingers, his back and ass trembling against Daniel's body. Daniel dropped onto his side, taking Jack with him, encircling him with his arms and legs.
"Love you," Daniel whispered behind his ear, his breaths coming in cooling puffs against his neck.
"Love you, too," Jack breathed. "Don't ever forget it, either."
"I won't."
Jack turned around in his lover's grasp, kissing him softly. He looked into those sated blue eyes and gave him a soft, gentle smile. "Did you feel any need to give me pain?" he whispered.
Daniel shook his head.
"Then that should tell you. But just in case you're not convinced..."
"What?"
"We wait a while."
"For?" Daniel asked, nuzzling.
"For the slow version."
Daniel could only groan in response as Jack locked his lips over his mouth.