Fractious: Unpredictably difficult in operation; likely to be troublesome. A word usually applied to thoroughbred stallions.
Despite the smile he'd given Daniel before he left his apartment, Jack didn't feel like smiling. By the time he'd reached his truck, no trace of good humour even remained in his eyes. Normally, Jack wasn't a pessimist. He was a realist, and as such he could prepare for the worst - even while he hoped for the best.
The thing was, Daniel had just humoured him. All those 'hope for the best' feelings dropped out of him the further he drove from Daniel's apartment. Daniel had humoured him because he was a nice guy - as always. Still, it had been the nice guy thing with a twist of justified anger. Jack didn't blame Daniel for doing that; he knew he had it coming.
Didn't matter what had been said. Didn't matter that he'd apologized. It was too little, too late. Daniel was never coming back to the SGC and Jack knew it as surely as he knew his middle name.
He suddenly pulled into the neighborhood park about a mile down the road from Daniel's apartment. Shutting off the truck, he got out and walked over to one of the benches and sat down, hard. He needed the fresh air...and he needed to stop driving. The hitching in his heart would have likely helped cause an accident, added to the fact that Jack's mind was not on the road.
Looking down at his hands in his lap, Jack sat there scratching at his thumbnails. He was due to go back to Daniel's in a few hours, and he didn't want to go back...but he did want to see him; had to see him. He didn't want to hear the words he knew Daniel would say...but he knew that he had to. One last chance to show respect before Daniel cut him, and the rest of them, off from his life...forever. He remembered the look in Daniel's eyes before he'd left his apartment. He had seen the look before; a look of longing. It was a look that told Jack that all Daniel wanted was to go...home. More than anywhere else probably, that home was Abydos, but with Shau're gone and Abydos now too painful, where was home now? Would Daniel stay here, in the 'Springs? No, not likely. Too many bad memories for him here, too.
Jack blew out a breath in an effort to keep the tears from falling. He had to make up for this big fuck up in some way and he wasn't exactly long on time. He suddenly decided that he'd do what he could to help Daniel find somewhere else to go, providing Daniel accepted his help. Daniel would want to get as far away from him as possible, wouldn't he? So that probably meant out of the country. Since Daniel and his job were practically synonymous, that suggested a dig, which suggested he'd need funding.
Money. Daniel had some money Jack knew, but he didn't know how much. If Daniel would accept his help on relocation, maybe he'd accept the sign-over of Jack's savings account. Jack knew now that he wouldn't need the money for himself. Not anymore. He wasn't planning on living the rest of his life without Daniel.
Which reminded him....note to self: change Will & Testament when you get home. If Daniel wouldn't take the savings outright, he'd will it to him...and everything else he owned. For the near future, Jack's checking account would do him just fine. The last decision formed and completed in Jack's mind. Come tomorrow morning, he'd hand in his letter of retirement. A short, permanent, retirement.
The decisions made, Jack sat there feeling that a big weight had lifted from his shoulders, but it then resettled into his heart. Nothing to do now but sit and wait....for the inevitable to come.
He really hadn't meant to alienate Daniel the way he'd done. But, as always, he let his military personality take over whenever his feelings ran too deep. He'd never had these feelings before in his entire life. He'd told Daniel the truth earlier. Daniel scared the life out of him. And that much was pretty certain to come true in the physical sense.
So, what did we just figure out?
Jack suddenly heard Kowalsky's voice filling his mind. "I'll be there in a little while, buddy. And you can have my stereo."
Well, jeez, Jack. You're certainly taking your time about it? I thought we would go out together, ya know?
"I know, buddy. I know."
So, what happened?
"Daniel happened."
Nice guy?
"The best."
So why are you acting like an ass, then?
"He scares the crap out of me, okay?"
Ohhh-kay! So what else have you figured out?
Maybe that he'd screwed up so many lives. He'd lost his chance to fix what he'd screwed up because he'd been too arrogant, too self-absorbed, too...fucking in love with Daniel Jackson to see straight. Jack snorted at himself. And what did that supposed love cost him? Love never did him any favors; but then, he never did love any favors in return. The lack of love took Charlie away from him. Took Sara away from him. Now, Daniel. Three people whom he'd loved dearly, and though two of them were alive, their faith and trust in him was dead, so really, they may as well be. No, he'd not done 'Love' any favors. Couldn't see out of this hole he'd dug for himself. He snorted blackly at the thought. The hole he'd dug was his own grave. Funny that.
And it's not that anyone would miss him, either.
Oh brother! Here comes the pity party.
"Shut up, Kowalsky."
Hey, I'm only tryin' to help.
Okay, so maybe a few people would miss him, for a little while. But that would fade in time because he simply wasn't important enough to merit long-term grief.
Jack took another deep breath, feeling his cheeks warming and his eyes becoming a little moist.
Yep, O'Neill, definitely feeling sorry for yourself. Caught the train fast for this guilt trip. Well, so what? Just suck it up. You made this bed. You lie in it.
Jack sighed. "Kowalsky, why are you bothering me?"
Because you're letting me.
Jack sighed again. Then a sudden image of him being found dead in his cabin, in his bed, made him snort in derisive, dark humour. The cabin would be the perfect place to end his days. Just as he'd always planned, except he saw himself as an old man. Guess he'd just upped the date a little bit. He never figured he'd last too much longer anyway. Not with his current job description. But, his death wouldn't be for a while yet. He had some things to do first. For as long as Daniel would allow, he'd help him out; hang around; do whatever good he could do to try and repair the damage he'd done to Daniel's psyche. A psyche that belonged to one of the best, most honorable men he'd ever known. And you, Jack O'Neill, had shit on him.
For the next two hours, Jack ran over every memory he had with Daniel. Along with those memories, was every good and bad thing he'd been able to remember saying to him. The bad far outweighed the good according to his mental ledger. He hadn't just treated Daniel like shit for the past couple of years; he'd hardly treated him with respect the entire time he'd known him. And now he'd lost him. He'd had an epiphany of sorts....standing there, first in Hammond's office, then in Daniel's, realizing that he'd gone too far as the bottom of his stomach sank at the thought of Daniel taking his own life.
"So...what do I do when I return to his apartment?" Jack mused. Well, tell him the plans you've made. Give, don't take. Offer. If he doesn't take it, then that's what you'll have to live with...for a little while. You've done what you needed to do to rectify yourself.
He thought of the card he'd written to Daniel and shook his head. He'd been feeling rather hopeful when he wrote that card, but that had been before. Before he'd heard Daniel vent out all of his heartache and anger. It had been a rude wake-up call, but he'd had it coming and that, as they say, was that. Jack looked up when he vaguely saw movement across the park lawn. A couple walking across the grass. And what do you know? A gay couple. They were talking, holding hands. Jack remembered holding Daniel's hand. Daniel's bandaged hand. His face screwed up in another grimace, and a lone, unnoticed tear fell from the corner of his eye. He watched the couple walk further away, still holding each other's hand. They suddenly stopped for a second, laughed, kissed quickly, and resumed their walk.
Look! See what your fucking bullshit cost you? Goddamn it, Jack. Another grimace came to Jack's face and he could just picture Kowalsky shaking his head at him.
That's yet another reminder, Jack O'Neill. That wonderful kiss you received - and it was wonderful, wasn't it? - you'll never have it again. It was a taste of what could have been if you'd not screwed up the chance at having that love for the rest of your life. The chance to be able to hold him close; to kiss him good morning; to kiss him good night; to touch him....
"Don't fucking rub it in, K."
All gone now, Jack. No more chances. You tried to make it right, but you were too late. Just like everything else in your miserable, rotten existence.
"Would you just shut the fuck up, already!!"
He suddenly looked down at his watch and was very surprised to find that nearly two hours had passed. "Damn but time flies when you're having fun contemplating spending the rest of your life without the person you love. Time to face the music and pay the piper."
He got up from the bench and turned around, then froze mid-step.
Daniel.
Daniel was standing there....leaning against the front of his truck, his arms folded. He had a curious look of concentration on his face, as if he were trying to read Jack's mind. Last time Jack had seen him, he was dressed only in his shorts. Now, he was in jeans, white tee, sneakers and jacket. In the early Fall sunshine, he looked....beautiful.
The thought brought an ache of loss that seemed to deepen the chasm that had swallowed him whole....the ache now clasped Jack around his jaw as Jack absentmindedly ground his teeth together in an effort to hold back those emotions. That ache held a firm grip deep in his belly.
Daniel's frown of concentration seemed to deepen into a regular frown of disapproval. One that he'd remember for the rest of his life. In fact, Jack could hardly ever remember getting a broad smile from Daniel that lasted more than three or four seconds. Actually - he'd only ever received that smile once and that had been in the gateroom five years earlier.
Jack swallowed the huge lump in his throat and gave Daniel a sad smile. "Hey."
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"I...um, didn't feel like driving."
"Oh." Daniel's frown deepened even further....then suddenly, it smoothed out into that blank expression he got when faced with something he'd rather have not thought about. Jack knew that expression all too well. "I grabbed some drive-thru for lunch. Saw you here on my way back. You hungry?"
Daniel Jackson. Always the gentlemen. Even when he didn't have a reason to be. Jack didn't have the heart to refuse him, but then, he wouldn't have refused Daniel if Daniel had just told him to go jump off a cliff.
Nice one, Jack. Can we get any deeper into the pool?
"Sure...I guess."
"Well, come on, then," then Daniel went back to his car and got inside. He didn't start it up. It had already been running and Jack hadn't even heard it, or his car driving up for that matter.
Jack followed him back to his apartment, the dread rising in him now like a boiling chamber of magma and the closer he got to Daniel's apartment, the hotter his stomach became. By the time Jack had followed Daniel into his apartment, he needed water. Or a fire extinguisher.
"Daniel, Can I use your bathroom?"
Startled that Jack would ask when he'd used it only a few hours earlier, he simply nodded to him in confusion. "You know where it is, Jack."
When Jack left for the bathroom, Daniel was still frowning in confusion.
//What the hell was the matter with that man? I thought we'd just started to mend things?// Daniel paused, furrowing his brow. //No...I told him 'maybe', not yes. What a bastard thing to do.//
There was nothing confirmed, nothing mended, nothing hopeful for Jack and himself...other than what that card led Daniel to believe. But then, how long ago had Jack written that card? Had to have been overnight. For a 'spur of the moment' thing, that had been something.
Okay, they'd hashed things out....mostly. Then they'd actually kissed. Daniel still found himself reeling from that kiss - the more time passed, the harder the reel - and if it hadn't been for that, things might not seem so hopeful to him. The card, however....the card made all the difference in the world. Jack really did love him, and really did seem to want to fix things; to make up for his wretched behavior.
So why did Daniel have this sense of foreboding? Why did he think that something was terribly wrong....with Jack?
When Jack got to the bathroom, he had to fight down an incredible urge to throw up. By God, if he wasn't having an anxiety attack or something! "Where's this coming from?" He'd never had one in his entire life. He'd had just about every other violent emotion, but not this. Filling the bathroom cup with water after letting the water run for a little bit, Jack drank it down. It wasn't enough. He needed ice water...and something for his stomach. He started to look into Daniel's medicine cabinet and stopped himself.
"Go ask. Do not take."
He took a quick leak, then cleaned up and returned to the kitchen...only Daniel wasn't there. He'd set their lunch down in the living room.
"Um, Daniel, have you got any antacid pills?"
Daniel turned to look at him over the back of the couch and frowned in further confusion. "Yes, in the medicine cabinet. Why didn't you just look?"
Jack couldn't answer him. Wouldn't answer him. He just shrugged and returned to the bathroom, then found the bottle. Prescription strength. Jack wasn't the only one apparently to have stomach problems. Jack sighed deeply, then took one of the pills. Of course Daniel had stomach problems. He himself had caused them.
He returned to the living room and found Daniel sitting on the left side of the sofa, having set up Jack's lunch on the coffee table in front of the right side. Jack sat down slowly, stiffly, his back straight. He wasn't hungry but Daniel had offered so he would make it look good. Daniel was eating slowly, his legs folded on the couch, his body looking relaxed and settled into the cushions. Jack didn't know how Daniel could eat. He suddenly thought that maybe Daniel wasn't hungry either but was making an effort. Lunch consisted of coke and tacos and when Jack ate this kind of food normally, it was scarfed down while watching a game. But now, as Jack ate, he found the food tasteless, odorless, and very dry. Jack could only taste the soda water of the coke and nothing else.
He ate in silence, seemingly trying to eat as quietly as possible. He was actually afraid to say anything, not wanting the next words out of Daniel to be "I've made my decision," or "I've come to a decision." On the other hand, maybe it really was best to get things over with. However, Jack would let Daniel have this because it was his. He chose when he would say it. Jack wouldn't be that rude again - just as he'd been on countless occasions. Whenever Daniel wanted to talk, or not, Jack would let him have the floor. The part of him that didn't want to hear the dreaded words was immensely grateful when Daniel kept silent.
Daniel, on the other hand, had three things foremost in his mind and he needed to say them. Okay, four things, but the fourth was the last. He waited until they were finished with lunch.
"Thanks for the card. I think that was possibly the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me."
Jack stared at Daniel as shock number two registered in his ears. "Um, wow. That's...um, wow. No one has ever told me that. And before I forget, you're welcome." What Daniel said made him feel good. A little hope surged within him, but he had to throttle it to keep it from growing. It was a compliment, not a gesture of love.
Daniel smiled softly at Jack's typical nervous humour. "Did you do that last night?"
"Yeah. I went out while you were sleeping. I hate greeting cards, except for the funny ones. In this instance, I don't think humour would have been a good idea." Jack was feeling a little better. Daniel wasn't yelling and a little humourous honesty wasn't too much.
"Um...no. That'd been bad. Although, considering the comic strip 'The Far Side', I'm fairly sure they'd have had one for this situation." Daniel gave Jack a warmer smile and Jack tried to give it back. It only made him look sadder.
Daniel cleared his throat, his frown having returned. "Jack....what's wrong?" and he waited for Jack to look over at him. Jack gave him an incredibly wide stare; one of....fright? Fright? //What the hell is he frightened about?// Then it dawned on him. Though he didn't wish Jack any emotional pain over waiting for his answer, he needed to get the other things off his chest first.
"I'm sorry about last night."
Jack's gaze turned to shock, disbelief. "You've got nothing to be sorry for, Daniel."
"I scared you and I didn't mean to. You didn't need to be reminded about what happened to Charlie."
Jack felt that pain in his chest again. The sharp knife twist of grief. He shook his head. "Daniel, it's okay. I'm the one who's sorry, anyway. Guess I'm sorry for a lot things. Sorry that I never told you the things you needed to hear. For not telling you how much I do respect you. How much I admire you."
Daniel blinked at him in surprise. "You do?"
Jack nodded sadly. "Yeah, I do. Should have told you how special you are." He took a deep breath. One of resignation. "It's a little too late, though, isn't it?"
Daniel stared at him thoughtfully. "It's never too late to hear nice things said to you. Thanks, Jack."
Jack made himself look and he studied Daniel for a moment. Daniel's body language didn't tell him anything.
"You're welcome, Daniel," Jack replied softly.
Daniel tried to smile but he was worried even more. "What were you thinking about in the park? When I saw you, you looked like you were thinking really hard."
"Yeah, it happens occasionally," Jack said before he could stop himself.
"Don't do that."
Jack gave Daniel an apologetic glance, then straightened himself and cleared his throat several times. "I was sitting there for the better part of two hours, going over the last seven years. From our first mission to Abydos to now. I made up a kind of list of pros and cons, only it was the 'nice' and 'bad' things that I've said or done to you over those years. The 'nice' list came up short. Very short." Jack took a very deep breath, then blew it out slowly, feeling those tears threatening again.
Daniel frowned at him, then looked away, startled at the painful emotion obvious on Jack's face. Daniel wasn't use to it. It was unsettling.
Jack continued and his words forced Daniel to look at him again. "Guess it sounds weird coming from me, doesn't it? I guess it's also too late to say I'm sorry and have it mean a damn, but I am sorry, Daniel. I may as well get all of this out. Probably be the last time I get the chance...and I've blown too many of them between the two of us. Better late than never, as that cliché goes."
He received a sad, confused smile from Daniel who was wondering what he was on about. //Last time?//
"I want you to know that I do respect you. I admire your strength of conviction, your bravery, your very quick mind. I admire how in the face of certain death you're able to face your enemy down." He gave Daniel a soft, admiring smile. "Never could figure out how you always managed to do that when all I ever wanted to do was bring them to a quick end. You're the bravest man I've ever met, Daniel."
Daniel stared at him, dumbfounded. All he could manage was an awed whisper. "Thanks, Jack."
Then Jack got up and began to pace, startling Daniel with his sudden movements. "I...um...I have some contacts. I'm sure they could find you some fascinating work. Not as fascinating as what you've gotten used to, but still. I hear they're always having work done down on the Yucatan peninsula. If you need any help on it, I'm more than willing to offer it. It's the least I can do after everything I've fucked up. What I'm trying to say is that if there's any way I can make up for everything, all you have to do is ask."
He waited several long minutes for Daniel to say something, but Daniel just continued to stare at him, his mouth slightly opened. Jack suddenly looked away and closed his eyes, holding his breath. "Fucking idiot. You insulted him. He doesn't want your help. Nor does he need it. You are an ass, Jack O'Neill." Jack felt a huge wall of shame and guilt pass over him and all he wanted right then was to find a rock and crawl under it.
"I'm going to miss you, Daniel." He grabbed his jacket then and started toward the foyer. Daniel got up and went after him, both angry and annoyed with Jack for jumping to the wrong conclusions. He moved around and stood in his way.
"I'm staying, you ass!" he said with heated sarcasm as his hand smacked Jack in the side of the head. Jack automatically reached out and caught him by the wrist. He couldn't believe what Daniel had just said....what he just did.
"What?"
"You heard me," Daniel said, his free hand closing in a tight fist, defensively bunching up the collar of Jack's shirt.
Jack looked at him then, feeling a bit of fluttering in his stomach. Finally, he gave Daniel a sad, relieved smile. "That's...good Daniel. That's good. The SGC needs you." His soft words were incongruous to the very firm hold he still had on Daniel.
Daniel frowned, his mood still seesawing between anger and annoyance. And something else that underlaid them both. "What about you, Jack?"
Jack frowned in confusion. "What about me 'what'?"
Daniel sighed with obvious annoyance. "Don't you need me, too?"
Jack didn't understand why Daniel would ask that. "Of course I do, Daniel....I'll always need you." The last words were hushed, almost quiet.
Daniel's fist tightened, then twisted. "What aren't you telling me?"
Jack had to swallow the enormous lump rising in his throat. "I've decided to hand in my retirement papers tomorrow so you won't--"
"What?!!" Daniel asked, raising his voice. Jack blinked in surprise at the volume...and at Daniel's reaction. "Why?!"
"I think it's time I got the hell out of there, don't you?" he replied, further confused.
"No!" Daniel hollered at him. "I can't believe you're leaving me! After all this, and...and...everything...and you're leaving me! You ungrateful, self-centered sonofabitch!" He freed his hand from Jack's grip and landed a punch to his high cheekbone. The momentum of the punch sent them both crashing against the door.
"How dare you!" Daniel shouted. The brightness in his eyes intensified as Jack realized they were filling with tears. Daniel's face was a mask of pain, fear, and....love?
Jack's grip on him tightened in reaction; hope began to flare with full force. "I'm sorry! How many times can I say it? I wanted to make things right and I thought you didn't want me around!"
"Well, you were wrong, you fucking shit!"
The situation finally dawned on one Colonel Jack O'Neill. "Daniel...?"
"What? I'm not supposed to love you back?!!" Daniel answered, his voice still loud, but not as loud. His cheeks flushed with emotional panic.
"I didn't think you did!!" Jack shouted back.
"Well, why the fuck else would I have gotten so goddamn upset, Jack? I didn't think you were stu--!"
Jack roughly jerked Daniel to him, halting his words. His voice was deep, emotional, but very, very, soft. "I'm apparently stupid in not letting you know how goddamn much I love you!" His hands slid upward over the top of Daniel's shirt, then smoothly up the sides of his neck to gently cradle the sides of his head. His lips descended slowly...until Daniel shoved him back, hard, against the door.
"Don't call yourself stupid! You're not stupid. Just aggravatingly good at pretending you are," he said in almost the exact same tone and pushed himself away, taking a step back.
Jack gave him a tiny smile. "I thought we were going to kiss."
"We were going to a minute ago until you said you were retiring!"
"A minute ago? When? One minute we were talking, the next minute you're hitting me--"
"We weren't going to kiss. I was going to kiss you for being so....insufferably, unbelievably gallant. That is until you announced you were running away from me!" Daniel was yelling again, his eyes flashing.
Jack reached out and grabbed the front of Daniel's shirt again and pulled them face to face, noses almost touching.
"I didn't believe you wanted me around, dammit!"
"Oh, please, Jack! Since when has that ever stopped you from doing what you want?!!" Daniel challenged as Jack's shirt twisted in both his fists.
Jack blinked. "Okay, so I won't retire then! Satisfied?!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, thank you!"
"You're welcome!"
"Good!"
"Fine!"
"So why are we still yelling?!!"
"I don't know!!"
Suddenly Jack's mouth was on his and Daniel was pulling him by his collar, deepening the kiss. Their tongues explored and hands moved around for tight, firm holds. Daniel didn't push away again, either.
Just as suddenly as they'd kissed, Daniel found himself laughing through his nose. Jack became annoyed more than ever and broke the kiss.
"You know, I don't think anyone has ever laughed at my kisses."
Whatever Daniel had started to laugh about changed directions...running smack into Jack's reaffirmed ego. "My, my Jack O'Neill. Aren't we just full of ourselves."
Suddenly Jack whirled them around so that Daniel's back was to the door. Their legs were now interlocked, their hips clashing, sending sudden, unexpected shudders through their libidos. One of Jack's hands slowly left Daniel's shirt and proceeded to move around to cup the back of his head and neck. Jack leaned in, slowly...ever so slowly. His lips just barely brushed over Daniel's and then pulled away. He did this again, and again. After the third time, his tongue snaked out to trace lightly over Daniel's plump bottom lip, making Daniel part his mouth with a gasp. Daniel's eyes danced back and forth between Jack's and his clever, seductive mouth. Jack leaned in more and very gently pulled at his lip with his teeth.
Daniel didn't move. He didn't dare. But unfortunately for both of their libidos, he couldn't help but interrupt.
"Jack?" he asked against Jack's lips.
"Shhh. I'm trying to kiss you here," and he kept kissing Daniel through his words.
"You are kissing me....and it feels....very nice. Very nice. But...though we've....settled things, I'm still....angry with you."
Jack pulled away a little and looked into Daniel's eyes. The bluest eyes. He simply raised his brow in a question.
"It's just that we're going too fast."
"We're just kissing, Daniel."
Daniel nodded. "But it feels like it could be more in a matter of seconds and I'm not so sure that's a good idea....just now." He made a slight shifting movement and Jack felt his erection against Daniel's thigh, and Daniel's erection against his own.
Everything Daniel said made sense and he reluctantly nodded with a sigh. "You're right. But..."
"But?"
"You were laughing...." and he leaned towards his lips again.
Daniel smiled, staring at the lips that were closing in. "I was laughing because of our shouting, Jack. Not your kiss."
"I know."
"I know you know."
"I know you know I....I'm so not going there."
"Chicken."
"Shhhhhhh."
"What?"
Jack locked his lips onto Daniel's and firmly finished their kiss.
[ Kowalsky's spirit rolls his eyes ]
Jeez, Jack, put a little more hip into it! And just how sappy of an ending can you get? How 'bout this: you guys kiss and kiss ......until the Gods come in their great ships and smack the two of you in the head and declare, 'No! You two cannot be together!' and suddenly Daniel is whisked away from you and you both die, miserable and lonely.
Okay....so maybe that doesn't work 'cause then I'd have both you and him up here, even if he is a great guy an' all.....
[ Kowalsky's spirit taps his foot as he watches the kiss continue. ]
Jeez, can we at least have some more yelling and then some hot, sweaty sex?
Nothing else happens.
[ Kowalsky's spirit stalks off, sulking. "I never get to have any fun." ]
~
End